Wine News Roundup, Dateline April 1st, 2018

United Press International  (UPI) April 1, 2018
Government Study Finds Evidence of Fermented Grapes in Gallo Wine

MODESTO, CA Winemakers at the Gallo Winery were stunned by a recent government study that found traces of fermented grape juice in their wines. A Gallo spokesman said, “We are launching a full investigation into the source of these unusual components in our wines. While we do allow certain grape byproducts in our wines, we do not, as a rule, allow fermented grape juice anywhere near our fine wines.”

*****

CORRECTION; In the March issue of Wine News Roundup an article titled “Žametovka Wine Sales Surpass Merlot Sales” contained the following factual error. The time period in question was not September, 2017; it was August, 573 BC.

*****

Agence France-Presse (AFP) April 1, 2018
Chateau Lafite-Rothschild Heir Found Under the Affluence of Alcohol
BORDEAUX, FRANCE In the early morning hours of April 1st, Baron Seamus de Rothschild, a little known heir to the renowned Chateau Lafite-Rothschild wine empire, was reportedly found to be under the affluence of alcohol. Police Officer Pierre Cartier reported, “I took one look at him and knew he was loaded.”

*****

Reuters April 1, 2018
Study Finds Red Wine Corrects Erectile Disfunction; White Wine Drinkers Have No Hard Feelings
BOSTON, MA At the annual meeting of the Association of Introverted Men with Erectile Dysfunction, Adjunct Professor Willie B. Hardigan gave an impassioned speech that clearly touched the 2,000 flaccid members in the group. Citing a Harvard study, Hardigan reported that flavonoids found in red wine can reduce erectile dysfunction and that when it comes to ED, men will no longer have to take matters into their own hands. “The study suggests ED sufferers should drink red wine” concluded Hardigan, “and if they already drink red wine then they should keep it up.”

*****

Associated Press April 1, 2018
Wine Writer Fears He’s Being Followed since Joining Twitter

WAYNE, NEW JERSEY An anonymous wine writer filed a complaint under the fake name John Smith to protect his true identity; Stanley Biermanoski of 325 Main Street in Wayne New Jersey. The complainant claims he is living in fear due to the social media platform Twitter. Biermanoski – err, I mean Smith – stated, “Ever since I opened my Twitter account I have this eerie feeling that I’m being followed.”

*****

CORRECTION; In the February issue of Wine News Roundup we incorrectly reported the growth rate for Cabernet Sauvignon wine sales. The actual sales volume grew by “a boatload,” and not, as reported, “a shit load.” We regret any confusion this may have caused.

*****

Bloomberg News April 1, 2018
EU Acronymphomaniacs Peter Out
BRUSSELS, BELGIUM European Union (EU) regulators shored up the impending budget crisis and averted imminent government shutdowns by narrowly passing a controversial resolution to shorten wine region acronyms. The “repeal and replace acronym” bill will raise billions of dollars through savings on office paper and ink cartridges once wine designations such as “Quality Wine Extraordinaire Produced in a Specified Demarcated Region” (QWEPIASDR ) are shortened to “Protected Designation of Origin” (PDO). In a concession to entrenched, hard-core acronymphomaniacs, some pre-existing acronyms will not be covered under the new guidelines.

*****

United Press International  (UPI) April 1, 2018
Excited Fermentation Researchers Achieve Premature Inoculation
SACRAMENTO, CA Researchers at the University of California at Davis have developed a new strain of yeast that expedites the tedious fermentation process. Professor Brett O’Myces and his research assistants Phil Trayshun, Ethyl Aldehyde and Vinnie Culture wrote, “This monumental breakthrough will lead to profound advancements in etiology, chemical kinetics, zymology, and stuff.”

*****

Associated Press April 1, 2018
Stormy Daniels Reveals Tatas to Stunned Wine Press
WASHINGTON D.C. Adult-film star Stormy Daniels today launched ‘Tatas Wines’, a new label that is only available in jugs and cans. Reporters and wine critics had mixed reviews on the different formats. Anderson Cooper reportedly told his staff, “I’m definitely not a jug man but I have to admit those are really nice cans.” Wine critic Stanley Biermanoski remarked, “Daniels has produced spectacular jugs and the wine isn’t bad either.”

*****

In Other News:

• Vatican To Suspend Services February 3rd, 2019 in Observance of Super Bowl
• Prize Bull Wins Gold Medal at State Fair Followed by Dinner at Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse
• Arizona Winemakers Maintain Good Humor Despite Heatwave; but it’s a Dry Humor