Who’s On Thirst?

Good help can be hard to find in a wine store. I once told an employee to be careful with a bottle of 1927 Fonseca Vintage Port and he said, “Don’t worry boss, I’ll treat it like it’s brand new!”

Perhaps you’ve had trouble getting knowledgeable recommendations when you’re looking for wines to pair with a special dinner. You’re not alone as wine consumers and wine salespeople often choose wine through a process of mutual misunderstanding. Of course I’m not your average wine salesman so this never happens to me. No, I’m 100% right, half the time.

But of course I’ve witnessed plenty of misunderstandings between wine customers and a wine salespeople. A typical conversation on the selling floor can sound a lot like an Abbott and Costello routine. Let’s listen in.

Customer: Excuse me Mr. Wine Expert, can you help me pick wines to serve with my four course dinner?

Clerk: I certainly can. What’s the first course?

Customer: Stew’s on first.

Clerk: I see. Well what does Stu want?

Customer: That’s what I want to find out.

Clerk: Well did you ask him?

Customer: Ask who?

Clerk: Stu.

Customer: That’s right, stew’s on first. What wine do I drink with stew?

Clerk: That depends, does Stu like red or white?

Customer: How should I know, just pick a wine to go with stew.

Clerk: Where is Stu going?

Customer: The stew’s not going anywhere! Look, let’s move on to the second course. Monterey Jack with rosemary are on second.

Clerk: Do Jack and Rosemary prefer wine from France or California?

Customer: That’s what I’m asking! Look I’m losing my temper and really starting to stew.

Clerk: Stu’s on first.

Customer: Aaargh! Okay let’s try the third course. Fish is on third. What do you drink with fish?

Clerk: I don’t drink with fish.

Customer: What do you mean you don’t drink with fish?

Clerk: Fish are never thirsty. What are you having for the fourth course?

Customer: Mousse.

Clerk: Moose?

Customer: Yes, mousse…