Top Wine Stories of 2015 From The Star Wars Galactic Empire

Star Wars VII, The Force Awakens has landed in Hollywood and opens in theatres throughout the Galactic Empire in the next few days.¹ Will the Dark Side come out on top or will the Jedi bring balance to the Force. If you’ve just woken from a 40 year coma, the Force is “an energy field created by all living things that…binds the galaxy together”² kind of like a colossal, cosmic dose of Pepto Bismol.

If the past year for the wine trade is any indication, the Dark Side has the upper hand, as stories of discrimination, wine toxins, fires and drought monopolized the headlines. Following are the top wine stories of 2015 compiled from a galaxy far, far away.

Darth Viader Puts An End To Controversy

In one of the biggest stories of the year, a report surfaced from the planet Coruscant claiming many wines contained extremely high levels of the toxin Dioxis. Not surprisingly, the wines in question came primarily from the Death Star appellation, a region known for the mass produced, low cost wines favored in the seedy spaceports of the outer rim.

The wine industry’s response was as swift as an Imperial strike force leaping into hyperdrive. Influential winemaker Darth Viader assembled prominent wine bloggers from the core worlds and using the ol’ Jedi Mind Trick, waved his hand in front of the assembled writers and said, “There is no Dioxis in wine.” Of course everyone knows the Jedi Mind Trick only works on the simple-minded and so the bloggers smiled and replied, “There is no Dioxis in wine.”

Drought Bout

The desert planet Jakku continued to suffer from drought in 2015. This prestigious wine region is now in its 1138th year of the drought but vignerons are confident that this is the year that El Niño will replenish their water reserves. On the bright side, this year’s harvest was the earliest on record, coming just 3 weeks after bud break.

Mega Purple, Err … Purchase

In consolidation news, Galaxy Brands purchased Bleomi, a popular Mandalorian wine brand for the staggering sum of 315,000,000,000,000,000 Imperial Credits. Remarkably, the transaction did not include any vineyards, but did include several starships chock full of sugar.

Laughing While Wookiee No Laughing Matter

While conducting a tourist wine excursion through the vineyards of Naboo Valley, staff members aboard the Millennium Falcon asked a group of female tourists to leave because their laughter was unsettling to the other passengers. The group, consisting of several Wookiees and a Gungan, filed a lawsuit claiming they were singled out for #laughingwhilewookiee. Captain Han Solo Cup claimed no such discrimination took place, and throwing his arm around first mate Chewtobacca, smiled nervously and said, “Ya see, some of my best friends are Wookiees.”

It should be noted that there have been other incidents on the Millennium Falcon wine shuttle that did not involve Wookiees. Unhappy tourists once rebuked the immature wine being served because the Falcon’s on board wine cellar had been through so many hyperspace jumps that the wines were now several years younger than when they were first released.

Fire Taint Nothing To Fear

Fires continued to rage near the vineyards of Mustafar, a small volcanic planet located between two gas giants in the outer rim territories. Winemakers worried that the massive lava flows could disrupt the harvest and impact tourism, but of more serious consequence was the possibility of “smoke taint” in the finished wines. Winemakers unanimously claimed that their wines were free of taint and that only their unfortunate neighbors were affected. The unpleasant aroma is instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever had their nose anywhere near taint.

What truly upset local winemakers was not the possibility of losing the entire year’s wine production, but the news that fires also raged through Mustafar’s vast marijuana fields. Hundreds of local citizens gathered to witness the blazing inferno from a strategic position downwind. Imperial firemen were reportedly indifferent to the raging fire and were mostly seen giggling and eating mass quantities of Cheese Doodles and Twinkies.

On the bright side, the sulfurous gas emitted by the fires eliminated the need for sulfur additives during fermentation. In a related story, puritanical senators from the inner rim planets petitioned the Imperial Liquor Authority (ILA) to change wine warning labels from “Contains Sulfites” to “Contains sulfur dioxide, carbon dioxide, hydrogen cyanide and may cause death – which could decrease your dating opportunities.”

Marvin The Hutt Announces Top Wine

Speaking of gas giants, the name of the number one Wine of the Year was recently released by noted wine publisher Marvin the Hutt. This year the coveted title was won by an Ice Wine produced at the Rebel Alliance Echo Base on the remote frozen tundra of Hoth, a dessert planet in the Outer Rim territories. This remarkable dessert wine is produced from the Chambourcin grape, an intergalactic hybrid so peculiar that it only grows in exotic locations like Hoth, or New Jersey and Pennsylvania. Although expensive, the impressive Ice Wines of Hoth are a personal favorite of the frugal aristocrat, Princess Leia-Way.

So as 2015 draws to a close and the struggle between light and dark continues, only time will tell if the Jedi will restore balance to the Force, and winemakers will restore balance to their wines. In seeking balance many Jedi winemakers joined forces with Obi Wine Kenobi to create the organization known as In Pursuit of Balance. Unfortunately the group was founded under Kenobi’s misguided belief that padowine Anakin Skywalker was the chosen one who would bring balance to the force.

Oops. Well, there’s always another sequel.

¹ May the Force be with you Tyler Crum (pictured above top) for your help with Star Wars lore.
²Obi Wan Kenobi, Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope