The Wine Review Review #1.

WineSnark recently turned four months old and as I looked over the results I found a few surprises. I learned that my favorite posts are not always your favorite posts. Where I like the snarcastic posts such as “Wine Gladdens The Heart Of Man” or the creative posts like “The History Of Wine And Food Pairing” many of you preferred posts that featured wine reviews – like “Spot The Frog“.

Oddly enough I’ve often been told “I didn’t know WineSnark reviewed wines” and those who did read the reviews often remarked “Maybe WineSnark shouldn’t review wines.”

For those readers who never get to the bottom of the page where the wine reviews are usually located I’ve decided to create a new feature called “The Wine Review Review.” Every few months I’m going to present the best wine descriptions from recent WineSnark reviews, but rather than bore you with the same redundant language found in every other blog or wine magazine I’ve distilled these down to their snarky core.

Without further ado here are,

30 Wine Descriptions You’ll Never Read In The Wine Spectator

1. This affordable Chardonnay is as bold and showy as a Jersey girl’s tramp stamp and has probably seen just as much wood.

2. Take notice all you Burgundy hounds, this has that earthy, smoky nose that makes you want to bury it in the back yard with your other Beaunes.

3. After sampling these Barolos I woke up feeling like something had died in my mouth which is probably why they call it the mourning after. If you’ve been there before I’m sure you can feel my pun.

4. This Chardonnay is as white and rich as a three-term Republican senator. (Note; When someone made the comment, “it must be an intense wine that doesn’t pair well with good food!” I replied “Oh it goes well with good food, it just clashes with liberal portions.”

5. After letting the wine breathe for an hour it developed pleasing herbal scents of oregano and hemp but they may have emanated from the glassy-eyed taster to my left.

6. This full-bodied Nebbiolo has the salacious disposition of a Renaissance princess with a faulty chastity belt lock.

7. Here’s a medium-bodied Zinfandel that conceals its 15.9% alcohol better than a drunk on a job interview.

8. While many reviewers are singling out 2011 Napa Cabernets for debasement, this is a good, ready to drink wine, but it’s not meant for de basement.

9. The faintest touch of sweetness greets your palate but it’s not off-putting. It’s surprisingly pleasing – like that sloppy wet kiss from your friend’s grandmother that you don’t really mind because she’s kind of hot.

10. This young Cab was appealingly ready to drink, which was a good thing because so was I.

11. This Chardonnay is aged in neutral oak barrels. No, that doesn’t mean the barrels are from Switzerland, it means they’ve been bought and sold so many times that they’ve lost their ability to affect change, much like congress.

12. It features aromas of strawberry pudding (which I’ve never actually smelled, but if I did it I’m sure it would smell just like this wine).

13. This buttery Chardonnay is impossible to keep on the retail shelves because it’s like crack to a certain unnamed demographic. The flavor profile isn’t for everyone, but then neither is crack.

14. This Barolo is framed by rigid tannins that make Dick Cheney seem soft by comparison.

15. The finish goes on longer than an airport check-in line, but thankfully doesn’t end with a body cavity search.

16. This luscious red is rich and fleshy, kind of like Donald Trump without the bad hair.

17. Like Vladimir Putin this is a firm, intense red.

18. This Barolo needs so much time in the cellar that my kids will end up drinking it, probably while they’re feeding me cat food through a straw.

19. The sweet oak aromas reminded me of Grandma’s kitchen when she baked cookies with vanilla and clove.  And just like Grandma’s kitchen, the nose also displayed hints of tobacco smoke.

20. This un-oaked wine spends time in contact with the lees, or dead yeast cells, which sounds a lot like a M. Night Shyamalan movie.

21. This Barolo displayed so much sweet leather aroma that it reminded me of the time my wife dragged me into a Coach pocket book store, but at $100 a bottle it was considerably less expensive.

22. When I attend a wine tasting of classified Bordeaux I expectorate the very best.

23. This Chardonnay features the same floral, lavender-like nuances found in baby powder. In fact it has the same soothing characteristics as talcum powder when you put it between your cheeks.

24. The palate was as fat and fleshy as Kim Kardashian’s tookus but showed none of the barnyard qualities.

25. Identifying the lone Bordeaux in a blind tasting had some tasters feeling tongue-tied, but I brazenly predicted I could pick it out with my tongue tied behind my back.

26. Arizona winemakers manage to keep their good humor despite the oppressive heat – but it’s a dry humor.

27. This is an organic “vegan-friendly” Syrah that I find pairs particularly well with hanger steak.

28. This Chardonnay is fermented in new French oak barrels. New oak has a greater influence on the final outcome, much like the voters in Ohio.

29. My wife and I opened the bottle and wrote the tasting notes after a couple of hours of breathing – heavy breathing. Oh, and we also let the wine aerate.

30. Last vintage this wine displayed almond characteristics that aren’t apparent in the new release. Who knows, with time maybe this too will grow some nuts.

There you have it. The Wine Review Review #1. If you would like this to be a regular feature, weigh in with your comments below.