Riedel Glass Unveils the “C Cup” for Coffee Connoisseurs

Reuters April 1, 2016

KUFSTIEN, AUSTRIA The Riedel Glass Company today revealed a new product line that may do for the coffee drinker what Riedel stemware did for fine wine aficionados worldwide. Over fifty years ago Riedel developed revolutionary stemware designed for specific wine varietals. TIME MAGAZINE wrote, “this Austrian clan of master glassmakers has done more to enhance the oenophile’s pleasure than almost any winemaking dynasty”.

The 11th generation scion of the Riedel empire, Maximilian J. Riedel, proclaimed, “if my father could convince the Baby Boomer generation to buy a different glass for every type of wine, how hard will it be for me to convince the Millennial Generation, a generation that shells out 9 bucks at Starbucks without batting an eye, to buy a different cup for every type of coffee?”

The company is banking on the idea that if there’s already a special cup for espresso, why shouldn’t French roast, Turkish, and café au lait have their own specialized delivery vessel? “Our talented team of engineers has worked diligently with renowned coffee baristas, professional tasters, and international ceramics conglomerates to design specialized cups that will unequivocally enhance our profit margins,” said Riedel. “We have created cups for serious coffee aficionados as well as cups for the sissy’s who drink decaf, iced coffee and Frappuccino.”

 

BORDEAUX Chateau Mouton-Rothschild has long been an innovator amongst the staid classified estates of Bordeaux’s elite properties. In 1927, Baron Philippe Rothschild convinced the four Premier Cru chateaux to join him in instituting the revolutionary practice of estate bottling. Over the past 160 years Chateau Mouton-Rothschild is the only estate to succeed in elevating its position in the 1855 Bordeaux Wine Classification, joining the ranks of the four Premier Cru properties.

Today Chateau Mouton-Rothschild announced that the Premier Cru “Association of Five”, comprised of Chateaux Mouton-Rothschild, Margaux, Lafite Rothschild, Haut Brion, and Latour will soon release the highly anticipated 2015 vintage in 10, 20, and 30-liter mini-kegs. A spokesman for the late Baroness Philippine de Rothschild, daughter of the late Baron Philippe said, “The Baroness is pleased that our inaugural release of the laminated aluminum mini-keg coincides with the 2015 vintage, which the French press has hailed as the 15th “vintage of the century”.

The lightweight mini-kegs use the revolutionary “bag in a ball” principle which usually prevents the propellant gas from mixing with the polypropylene protected wine. “There’s nothing to prevent you from serving Chateau Mouton-Rothschild at your next pool party,” said the spokesman. “Glass bottles and corks are so like, whatever.”

In a related development, the “Association of Five” announced they had inked a deal with WaWa Convenience stores to be their exclusive American distributor.

 

MODESTO A man was found wandering amidst giant holding tanks of wine at the colossal E&J Gallo Winery earlier today. He claimed he was left behind by a drunken tour bus operator several weeks ago. The man reportedly survived by siphoning wine from casks of Cabernet Sauvignon. “I nearly starved when all I could find to drink was Central Valley Merlot,” reported the man from his bed at the Betty Ford Clinic. “And I had to stop drinking the Apothic red blend altogether because I was developing diabetes.”

Day after day the man wandered through the cavernous winery shouting “CAN ANYBODY HEAR ME!” in capital letters in hopes that someone might hear him. “As I grew weaker I thought I would be dead within 48 hours, and I was comforted by the thought that at least I had enough money for the rest of my life.”

The New Jersey native was visibly shaken because the three-week ordeal kept him from writing a new post on his blog site, WineSnark.com. The once popular blog plummeted off the Google Analytics charts when three followers, or 50% of its audience, grew impatient and in desperation started reading Jancis Robinson’s blog instead.

Happy April Fool’s Day.