Adventures on the Wine Route (or This Sure Ain’t France)
In 1988 wine importer Kermit Lynch wrote Adventures on the Wine Route about his quest to find exceptional French wines for his customers. Yesterday, in my own version of Adventures on the Wine Route, I traveled to Paso Robles in search of exceptional wines for my customers but so far my adventure isn’t nearly as romantic as Kermit’s.
As I left the airport I received a call from the motel that I had booked based on the sterling reviews of those most discerning of all critics – Expedia customers. I was told I must “cancel my reservation” because there was “police activity” on the property. When I pressed for more information I was told the motel was in a “police lockdown”. It had been evacuated as local lawmen surrounded a room they suspected housed notorious and dangerous criminals. After a 13-hour showdown the police broke down the door to find the room empty. I think they were negotiating with a very loud rerun of The Simpsons.
Read MoreSuper Bowl; Because We Need Another Reason To Drink Wine
Don draws the short straw.
My family always drinks wine during religious observations, whether it’s a baptism, Easter, or Super Bowl Sunday. This year is no different even though the Giants are not playing (I guess God found the New Jersey tithes a little light).
The congregation is meeting at my house this year. That’s what happens when you draw the short straw (see illustration 1). We will gather around the 60″ LED 1080i high-definition altar with a glass of wine and watch colossal men try to maim and kill one another. It falls on me to pick the perfect wine to pair with this joyful occasion.
What is the calling, the hidden force, the innate primal drive that makes violent sports so appealing to men? Can anyone explain the macho impulses that drive men to create life threatening competitions like the Super Bowl, cliff diving and beer pong?
Read MoreA Stroll Through History On The Roman Road To St.-Emilion
Chapter Sixteen. Part Six.
The wines of Bordeaux were my first oenological love, a passion I’ve shared with my wife Caroline for over thirty years. To rekindle our premier amour we visited Bordeaux and like the forgotten vignerons, monks and armies before us, we hiked an ancient Roman Road through historic vineyards to get to the higher place known as St.-Emilion.
The Roman Road, built to service a triumphant empire 2000 years ago, is now protected from development and allows travelers to walk through Bordeaux vineyards first planted in the 2nd century. As it passes through the vineyards of Chateau Franc-Mayne it is little more than a path strewn with broken cobblestones, sloping gently upward as if propelling you to a higher purpose. This seems somehow fitting as the road leads to the medieval village named for the Friar Emilion, a reclusive 8th century monk who achieved sainthood
Read MoreHarvard Study; Men Who Drink Wine Give Wives A Hard Time
A recent study published in The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, conducted by the University of East Anglia in Norwich, England in conjunction with Harvard University concluded that a diet rich in flavonoids can improve erectile function. This is great news for wine drinkers as the flavonoid anthocyanin is prevalent in red wine. Men who drink white wine may be out of luck but apparently they won’t have any hard feelings.
When asked to comment on the findings, Adjunct Professor Willie B. Hardigan, from a local community college of little or no significance was quoted as saying, “WOO-HOO!”
Read MoreThe Best Snarcasms of 2015
It’s that time again – time to ring in the new and wring out the old. That means it’s time for writers to wring every possible article out of their year’s work by assembling “Best Of” compilations. This is one of many time-honored literary traditions, like plagiarism and making shit up.
I’m probably not smart enough to critique writing but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night. So I’ve compiled my own “Best Of” list, and for the record I unequivocally state that I am the sole judge of my work and I have not been unduly influenced by the author.
Read MoreThe Ghost of Christmas Past Keeps Calling and Calling
I think a lot about my father at Christmas.
My earliest Christmas memories always found my father behind a pair of blinding, 8-thousand gigawatt movie lights that generated so much heat that they may have triggered the dawn of global warming. He filmed all the family milestones with his 8mm (and later, Super 8mm) movie camera and a pair of lights that kept us squinting through a decade’s worth of home movies. In the future, when alien astronauts unearth my father’s film library, they’ll probably conclude that our species perished from a super-luminous supernova.
My dad wasn’t a wine guy and I’m not one of those wine professionals who got into the trade because my parents served wine at every meal. My parents were from the cocktail generation and by the time my younger sisters were nine years old they had mastered the construction of the perfect, extra dry vodka martini.
Read MoreTop Wine Stories of 2015 From The Star Wars Galactic Empire
Star Wars VII, The Force Awakens has landed in Hollywood and opens in theatres throughout the Galactic Empire in the next few days.¹ Will the Dark Side come out on top or will the Jedi bring balance to the Force. If you’ve just woken from a 40 year coma, the Force is “an energy field created by all living things that…binds the galaxy together”² kind of like a colossal, cosmic dose of Pepto Bismol.
If the past year for the wine trade is any indication, the Dark Side has the upper hand, as stories of discrimination, wine toxins, fires and drought monopolized the headlines. Following are the top wine stories of 2015 compiled from a galaxy far, far away.
Read MoreScotts Name The Top 100 Most Influential Wine Blogs. My Arse!
A few of days ago I received a couple of welcome surprises in my inbox. First, it appears I’m about to come into a substantial sum of money from a Nigerian prince. Secondly, I learned that WineSnark.com has been named one of the “Top 100 Most Influential Wine Blogs of 2015”. This is in stark contrast to my present standing as “The Least Influential Person in My Own Home”.
Wine Bloggers create awards like this because they realize that actors and athletes aren’t the only insecure neurotics in need of validation. Our awards might not be as masculine as the Heisman Trophy or as phallic as the Oscar, but we still know where to put them – in the mancave next to the spelling bee trophies.
Read MoreNot Another Boring Thanksgiving Wine Pairing Article
Chapter Nine, Part Four.
On Thanksgiving my family comes together, shares some wine, enjoys a harvest feast, and watches football, football, and more football. It’s an afternoon filled with aggressive, smash-mouth offence and bold defensive maneuvers. Then we turn on the TV and watch the game.
Cooking a Thanksgiving meal for 20 people can be a lot of work and very stressful for everyone involved, by which I mean my wife. Of course I help out in a big way as I’m in charge of the wine and stay far from the kitchen. That probably doesn’t sound like much help to you, but then you haven’t been at my house when the wine locusts arrive. The eighth plague was nothing compared to what happens when my people are thirsty.
My wine selection process is simple. I sit on the front porch and sample wine before the guests arrive. Last year the first wine I tasted was so good that I drank the whole bottle. I wasn’t alone mind you, there were lots of people driving by.
Don’t get the wrong idea. I have a lovely family. In fact I love my wife’s brother like a brother-in-law. We gather around the table and I take a heart-warming look at the family, my Uncle Ralph, the turkey, and then my wife brings in the bird. No casual attire at this table. No sir, even the greens are collard.
Read MoreCh Ch Ch Changes to the 1855 Bordeaux Wine Classification
Chapter Sixteen, Part Four.
“Every time I thought I’d got it made, it seemed the taste was not so sweet.” David Bowie
The authors of the Official Bordeaux Wine Classification made an unusual entry on the original handwritten document drawn up in 1855. Cantemerle (now known as Chateau Cantemerle) appears to have been written on the bottom of the historic list in a different hand than the other entries. It is squeezed into a narrow space below the Fifth Growth ranked Croizet-Bages (formerly the bottommost entry) and looks like an afterthought on the part of the authors. Cantemerle was also left off the map of estates that was displayed at the 1855 exposition, although it has appeared on every subsequent map since 1856.
