There Should Only Be One Turkey At Thanksgiving
Don’t Let It Be Your Wine
“Wine is art. It’s culture. It’s the essence of civilization and the art of living.” Robert Mondavi
“Wine. It’s how classy people get shitfaced.” Cocktail Napkin
Thanksgiving is that special time of year when wine and food writers give thanks for the overabundance of tired old clichés they get to recycle. I firmly believe that writers shouldn’t rehash old boring clichés. My job as a writer is to create new boring clichés. This week every newspaper, magazine, and wine blogger will roll out their picks for the perfect wine to pair with turkey which means you’re going to hear a lot about Pinot Noir; and why not? Pinot Noir goes with turkey like gravy goes with heart disease.
On Thanksgiving the family gathers at my house to share good food, great wine, and several strains of influenza. It’s that special holiday where a unique assortment of drunkards, criminals and racists gorge themselves on my hard-earned bounty. No wait, that’s not my family, that’s congress. I want to stress in no uncertain terms that my family are not drunkards, criminals and racists; they’re just drunkards.
Read MoreWineSnark Memoir Included in Book Anthology
The story is also a finalist in the 2018 Preservation Foundation’s Storyhouse Writer’s Showcase.
Life on the Road Without Any Brakes
Gloria Steinem wrote, “More reliably than anything else on earth, the road will force you to live in the present.”
Oddly enough, Ms. Steinem’s words inspired me to revisit the past. This is a tale about life on the road – a passion I discovered long before wine but found no less intoxicating.
It’s not like I thought I was going to die.
My canteen had run dry the previous day, the last of my granola two days before that. I desperately missed the water, the granola not so much. Sure, I was in a desert without food and water, dehydrated, exhausted, a Barry Manilow tune stuck in my head, but I didn’t think it would kill me. By the tenth chorus I only hoped it would.
Read MoreLowering The Boom On Bordeaux Labels
Chapter Seven. Part Three.
Next month marks the 24th anniversary of my life in the wine and spirits trade but my preoccupation with wine actually began about a dozen years earlier. In fact, by the time I bought a wine store in 1994 both my wine cellar and my liver were overflowing with classified Bordeaux. Given my penchant for drinking mature claret you may find it hard to believe that I still own the very first first growth I ever purchased.
In 1985 I visited Sherry-Lehmann for three consecutive days before I finally summoned the nerve and the capital to purchase a bottle of 1982 Chateau Margaux. How different would my life have turned out if I used the money for something more practical – say repaying my student loan for example. I might be writing a blog about fiscal responsibility instead of wine and then what would I do with all those liver jokes.
Read MoreRashomon, the Relativity of Taste & Marquis Fruit Weight
Chapter Five. Part Three.
In Akira Kurosawa’s classic 1950 film Rashomon, four people witness the same crime but recount drastically different versions of the event. The New York Times reported, “The title quickly entered the English language and became shorthand for the relativity of truth: “the Rashomon effect,” invoked to indicate how witnesses to the same event may see it differently.”¹
I studied Kurosawa’s work in college where my professor summarized Rashomon’s theme with the observation, “Truth is relative; therefore there is no truth.” Since becoming a student of perception I’ve come to believe my professor may have gotten it wrong. It is not truth that is relative; it is perception.
Read MoreWine News Roundup, Dateline April 1st, 2018
United Press International (UPI) April 1, 2018
Government Study Finds Evidence of Fermented Grapes in Gallo Wine
Gallo Refinery, Modesto California
MODESTO, CA Winemakers at the Gallo Winery were stunned by a recent government study that found traces of fermented grape juice in their wines. A Gallo spokesman said, “We are launching a full investigation into the source of these unusual components in our wines. While we do allow certain grape byproducts in our wines, we do not, as a rule, allow fermented grape juice anywhere near our fine wines.”
Read MoreSwirl It, Shake It, or Just Let It Be
Chapter Three. Part Nine.
Swirling wine around a wine glass introduces oxygen into the liquid which expedites the release of aromas and takes some of the tension out of firm, young reds. Better wine decanters are designed with maximum surface exposure to facilitate the same thing and some even gently oscillate to further speed the oxidation process. Romancing your wine in this way will make it more approachable but let’s face it, sometimes you want instant gratification and you just don’t have time for all that foreplay.
Read MoreSuper Bowl Wine Pairings: Bashful, Happy, Dopey, Grumpy & Sleepy
OMG! The Super Bowl is tomorrow and I haven’t written my annual wine and food pairing suggestions for the big game. Lucky you – this will have to be a short article because somewhere there’s a plate of nachos with my name on it (it’s true – my parents named me Don Jalapeño Carter).
The game time temperature in Minneapolis is expected to be in the single digits but the wind chill factor will make it feel colder than Melania Trump’s bedroom. That’s going to be rough on the players who will have to perform in the comfort of U.S. Bank Stadium – which is indoors! (You never see badminton players competing indoors.) Football players can be such p≈ssies. It’s no wonder they won’t go to the White House; they’re afraid the president might grab them.
Read MoreThe Best Of WineSnark 2017
Ever since grade school I’ve felt motivated to express myself through writing and by the time I was ten years old I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up; a mortgage banker. That’s right, I figured I’d make a fortune writing books so that I could follow my true passion; reading amortization schedules.
January is when we reflect on the memorable moments of the past year and I can think of no better way to bid 2017 adieu (that’s French for good riddance) than with a glass of wine. On second thought, better make that a bottle of wine. A magnum should suffice.
Read MoreProper Stemware? Bah Humbug!
I‘m not one to obsess over matching each specific wine varietal to its own particular type of wine glass. Just last week I tasted Shiraz from a Riedel Syrah glass and I couldn’t even tell they were spelled differently. I’m even less sensitive when it comes to spirits. I drink my whiskey from one of those pint beer glasses. Anything less and I’d have to get out of my chair too often.
Thanksgiving With Umami, & The Rest Of The Family
Thanksgiving is that special time of year when wine and food writers give thanks for the overabundance of tired old clichés they get to recycle. I firmly believe that writers shouldn’t rehash old boring clichés. My job as a writer is to create new boring clichés.
The family will be gathering at my house this Thanksgiving which means an assortment of drunkards, criminals and racists will soon gorge themselves on my hard-earned bounty. No wait, that’s not my family, that’s congress. I want to stress in no uncertain terms that my family are not drunkards, criminals and racists; they’re just drunkards.
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