Quality Hangs In The Balance.

Chapter Three. Part Three.

To enjoy a great symphony or painting you needn’t analyze each note or brushstroke; you should embrace the emotional impact of the whole piece. It’s up to the snobby enthusiasts, historians and critics to pick apart the elements behind the artwork and ruin it for the rest of us. Hey, somebody’s gotta do it.

Wine is much like music and art in that it is best appreciated when approached holistically. Unless of course, you’re one of those wine aficionados that spends all day in wine chat rooms when you’re supposed to be watching the kids. In that case you’re going to pay close attention to the individual elements inherent in wine so that, much like a music or art critic, you can bore your friends into a catatonic stupor with your insightful analysis. Thank God I’m here to help.

Let’s face it. When it comes to wine you’d probably like to be more like me – except that you’d want to bathe more often and

Urine Trouble

Dear Sir,
While watching the Scat Channel I happened to catch your infomercial and I was excited to learn that cat pee is an effective mouse deterrent. My property is infested with the little vermin so I went to the local hardware store and asked this nice lady about purchasing some urine and she gave me a curious look and backed up a couple of steps. The more I went on about cat pee and coyote pee the more agitated she became. Eventually I was allowed to leave, once she decided to not press charges. I hope you can help solve my mouse dilemma as the police have made it clear I can no longer shop for urine in this jurisdiction. Cat pee sounds unsanitary so I was wondering if you sell any other products that repel mice.
Sincerely,
Don Carter

Dear Mr. Carter,
We regret to inform you that JustPee Unlimited, Ltd. only sells pee. We are the world’s premier discount pee merchant offering pee at prices that will keep you running back for more. Our pee technicians are out standing in the lavatory where they produce pee of exceptional pedigree.
Customer Service

Dear Sir,
No shit?
Sincerely,
Don Carter

Dear Mr. Carter,
No shit. Just pee. Read the letterhead.
Customer Service

Pain & Sulfuring.

Chapter Twelve. Part Six.

Contrary to public opinion, wineries didn’t start adding sulfites to wine in 1987. That’s simply the year the US government dictated all wine containing more than 10 ppm, the smallest detectable amount at the time, be labeled with the warning “contains sulfites.”¹ If a winery can produce wine with less than 10 ppm of detectable sulfites they can forgo the warning label. I’ve sold organic wine for years and only once have I seen a label that read, “contains no detectable sulfites”. It may have been a misprint as the label should have read, “contains no detectable flavor”.

The warning label only applies to wines sold in America, leading many consumers to mistakenly believe that just those bottles destined for America are adulterated with sulfur while their European counterparts remain sulfite-free. The European Union has recently instituted a similar sulfur warning label so the idea that they are sulfite-free should soon be exposed as a myth – just like the idea that vampires can’t go out in daylight (like, have you even seen Twilight?).

Wild, Cultured or GM; Is Yeast a Fermenting Controversy?

Chapter Twelve. Part Five.

Biondi-Santi Brunello di Montalcino Fermentation Tank At Il Greppo in Tuscany.

In an effort to tame the temperamental tribulations of fermentation, men have long tinkered with yeast, and as a result, winemakers now have many types of these little critters in their winemaking arsenal. Despite their differences, the one thing that all yeast organisms have figured out is how to convert sugar into alcohol, which is a far greater achievement than anything my college buddies have done with their lives.

Although wild yeast permeates the vineyards and wineries, many winemakers prefer to use cultured yeasts because they come from well-heeled families. Wild yeasts are uncultivated party animals and are therefore less predictable (of course unpredictable can also mean crazy-good). Think of it this way; uncultivated yeasts are like the wine bloggers of the fungi world but not quite as moldy.

New Year’s Eve, A Pahlmeyer Tasting & Downton Abbey.

For New Year’s Eve I decided to spend the night in quiet meditation while channeling my inner tranquility, by which I mean I got more fried than a Paula Deen chicken.

I did this with some friends who are selling their house up north and want to thin out the wine cellar so they won’t have to move it. They don’t know how many wines are stacked down in the basement but I told them that given a few days we could get to the bottom of it. So a bunch of us headed north to usher in the New Year by ushering out some old wines. By the way, this is a service that I offer people in need of wine cellar cleansing. The service is free, but only for those who can afford it.

Of Esters & MLFs.

Chapter Twelve. Parts Three & Four.

The Ester Ouster

So what makes Cabernet Sauvignon smell like black currants and Viognier smell like peaches? The answer is only skin-deep – much like Jessica Simpson’s appeal or an outbreak of shingles.

The cellular make-up of grape skins hold barely detectable aromatic compounds that are magnified during fermentation. Without fermentation these compounds would remain trapped inside the grape skins and then this would be a boring blog about grapes that no one will read … as opposed to a boring blog about wine that no one will read.

The cellular make-up of different grape varieties translates into aromas that are unique to that variety. During fermentation these compounds interact with yeast, alcohol and acids to create flavor substances known as esters. These esters also develop and evolve after fermentation, as chemical reactions continue to take place as wine ages. I also continue to develop new chemical reactions as I age but I control them with Depends.

The Best Of WineSnark 2014.

One Day You’ll Look Back At This And It Will All Seem Funny – I Hope.

January marks the official start of the “BEST OF” season. Wine publications have already released their TOP 100 WINES OF THE YEAR, strategically unveiled just before the drinking playoffs (also known as the holidays). Soon newsstands will be overflowing with trendy magazines flaunting the SEXIEST MEN & WOMEN OF 2014, the TOP 100 SELFIES OF 2014, or THE TOP 100 STUPIDEST TOP 100 LISTS OF 2014.

In an effort to remain trendy, sexy and stupid, WineSnark has created its own BEST OF 2014 list. I tried to create a TOP 100 list but I dozed off at 30 so that’s where I left it. So here are 30 of the snarkiest comments culled from the pages of this august institution and very precisely presented in absolutely no particular order.

A Magical Christmas Moment.

It took an entire year for me to get in touch with my inner Scrooge, so when the holidays approached I just wasn’t buying into the whole jolly ol’ St. Nick routine. But yesterday something magical happened and I suddenly found that holly-jolly bounce back in my step. Most of that jolly bounce came from the Syrah but what also had me caroling, caroling, caroling was a weird (but true) encounter with the Christmas spirit – and I’m not talking about the eggnog.

I haven’t been feeling the Christmas spirit because I’ve had “a little” bad luck this year, which is kind of like saying California needs “a little” rain. I don’t want to imply that I’m suddenly accident prone, but when flying to California, my wife Caroline insists on separate planes.

Maceration Makes Me Blush.

(But It Can Also Make Me Red Or White Or Even Orange)

Chapter Twelve. Part Two.

Raise your hand if you think red grapes are filled with red grape juice. Raise your other hand if you think rosé or blush wines are made from pink grape juice. If you have both your hands raised, do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself around because almost all grape juice, whether from white or red grapes, is clear (which is more than I can say about my writing).

As long as I’m straightening out this whole color thing, let me add white grapes are really green, yellow or orange, red grapes are referred to as black but the liquid and skins combine to produce purple juice. Got it? You can put your hands down now.

Years ago when I was studying for a WSET exam I bought a book about fermentation but I found it pretty useless … until I decided to read it. If you want to learn a thing (or two) you’re going to have to click this little read more button…  

Who Put The Bop In The Bop Shoo-Bop Shoo-Bop?

or “Where Do All Those Wonderful Flavors Come From!”

Chapter Ten. Part One.
Regular followers of WineSnark have learned how to discern and describe the varied vagaries of vino but have you ever wondered where these peculiarities come from? Why does Syrah from the Rhone Valley taste different from Shiraz produced in Australia? (Syrah and Shiraz are the same grape variety but our spell buds perceive them differently). Where does the “butter” flavor come from in some Chardonnays? How come Cabernet Sauvignon can taste like blackberries or like vanilla? What makes Pinot Noir taste different from Pinot Gris?

The answer to these questions can be found in the science of winemaking. Now don’t roll your eyes and reach for the mouse. I realize the onus of this site is flavor and not geography, meteorology, botany or chemistry, but this stuff has everything to do with the quality of wine and it’s about time WineSnark examine the scientific foundation of these unique flavors. I promise to keep it simple and I won’t even use a periodic table, unless I need someplace to set my wine glass.