Fat Bastards & Sassy Bitches.

Chapter Seven, Part One.
I know the wine trade is steeped in tradition but does that mean wine labels have to be as dry as the wines they adorn? Apparently not, as wine labels with quirky names and images now populate the shelves of nearly every wine retailer.

Some of these labels are as offensive as the swill inside the bottle but the movement towards nontraditional labeling has also caught on with many quality producers. Today you can find outlandish labels on many outstanding wines; labels that are whimsical, outrageous, or in some cases, uniquely practical.

Should the lights go out when you’re enjoying a Pinot Noir from the Carneros Della Notte winery you won’t have any trouble finding the bottle because theirs is the first wine label to glow in the dark (much like my nose after analyzing a Big Ass Cab). Those of us from Jersey know how practical this has become during our annual hurricane power outages. Now can someone please invent a glow in the dark corkscrew?

French enologist Michel Chapoutier creates wine labels in Braille for many of his Rhone Valley wines which I find particularly useful when I’m blind drunk. Spanish wine producer Lazarus also makes wines with colorful Braille labels but I’m not sure what they say because I can’t read Spanish.

If you’re a lonely guy without a date, you may want to pick up a bottle of “Drink ‘n’ Stick” from Australian producer Some Young Punks. The label features a sultry woman clad only in silk stockings, garters, panties and bra, however you needn’t fret about taking your bottle out in public because each bottle comes with a peel and stick wardrobe so you can dress your wine for any occasion. It goes without saying the Drink ‘n’ Stick wines see lots of wood.

Wineries from emerging wine regions often rely on catchy names to get noticed. There are now over forty wineries operating in the blazing heat of Arizona. Pillsbury Wine Company makes a rosé called One Night Stand and another wine called Wild Child, which begs the question – which came first? I find Arizona winemakers manage to keep their good humor despite the oppressive heat – but it’s a dry humor.

Fourplay, Gnarly Head, and Bonking Frog may sound like a sordid weekend in Vegas but they are actually names of commercially successful wine labels. When you visit your local wine merchant you might encounter a Horse’s Ass, a Ball Buster, or even a Big Pecker, and that’s just the part-time staff. While you’re there, pick up a Fat Bastard, a Sassy Bitch, or an Old Fart, unless you already have them at home.

While you’re in the liquor store you may also want to pick up some beer. Try Utah’s Polygamy Porter if you’re in the mood for more than one, or Alimony Ale (the bitterest brew in America) if one is too many.