I Laughed, I Cried, I Danced.
Chapter One, Part Four.
What is it about wine that has stirred the human spirit for so many centuries? Mountain Dew doesn’t make you laugh and cry or move you to photocopy your keister at the office Christmas party. Critics don’t rate tea on a 100 point scale and Starbucks doesn’t age its coffee in a musty cellar for years. It only tastes that way.
Wine affects people differently because, unlike most beverages, it strikes an emotional chord in our psyche. When your brain memorizes an aroma, the memory gets entangled in the part of the brain that manages your emotions.
Perhaps you’ve experienced a warm, glowing feeling when aromas of cinnamon or vanilla remind you of your grandmother’s kitchen. I could be way off base here. Your grandmother’s kitchen may have smelled like cheap gin and cigarettes.
Read MoreHow Do You Find The Wine?
Chapter One, Part Two.
WineSnark.com was created to improve the human condition through a thought provoking exploration of wine appreciation. That, and it will teach you how to deal with asshole waiters.
Has this ever happened to you? The sommelier pours a sample of the wine you ordered and asks, “How do you find the wine?”
You reply, “Why’re you asking me how to find the wine? Why don’t you look in the wine cellar?”
“No sir, I mean what do you think of the wine in your glass?”
You look at the sample in your glass and say, “I think that’s a pretty small pour. Why don’t you give me a full glass, I’m gonna pay for it.”
The waiter rolls his eyes, fills your glass and asks, “Will you be requiring club soda in your wine tonight sir?”
Read MoreShelf Talker Stupor.
Chapter One, Part One.
The ink was still wet on my Wine & Spirit Education Trust final exam when I opened the doors to my new wine store so you can imagine my frustration when the first customers didn’t march in and ask me about trellis systems or microclimates.
It didn’t bother me that my customers didn’t care about things like yeast autolysis (the removal of unsightly facial hair from yeast organisms). What bothered me was that I had just spent a small fortune on a superfluous wine education.
I soon learned that most people are only marginally interested in wine. The average wine drinker doesn’t age or decant wine before they drink it. When they buy a bottle of wine, it ages on the way home and breathes on the way down.
Read MoreGrape Expectations.
Chapter One, Part Three.
Look, I know the drill. I’ve been there myself. You’re in a wine store reading those little signs in front of each wine when you start to feel out of place, kind of like one of those Duck Dynasty guys who mistakenly wandered into a gay pride parade.
Shelf talkers tout the virtues of the wine at hand, and usually contain a wine review from a magazine or newspaper. As you read how a wine “displays aromas of agave curd caressed by nuances of Louisiana road tar,” you find yourself thinking, “I never smell and taste these things in my wine.” You may have wondered, “What’s wrong with me? Am I perceptually challenged?”
Read MoreTurn Up The Broadband.
Can’t You Feel The Algorithm!
This cork is from a precious bottle of 1982 Chateau Margaux. If yous wants to see the rest of this bottle alive, yous better follow this blog, cause if it don’t have 100,000 visitors within one year, the Margaux meets its maker – and I ain’t talkin’ about Corinne Mentzelopoulos…
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to embrace this whole blogging idea if I plan on attracting enough followers to get noticed by a bona fide book publisher and save my bottle of ‘82 Margaux from a horrible end.
You’re probably thinking, “Why bother with a traditional publisher. Get with the times, self-publish, write an e-book, create a podcast then shut up and drink your fancy-schmansy wine.”
Let me explain why that’s not a viable option. Technology makes me break out in bytes. Lots of them – I’m talking megabytes.
Read More
