Snarcasms

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I believe in education not humiliation, which is why I’m unqualified to work in a trendy Brooklyn bistro.    Don Carter 

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Understanding the unspoken words inherent in a woman’s glance takes years of dedicated study and perseverance, or a few weeks of being married. My wife is multilingual – she speaks glance, glimpse, glare, and even some gander.    Don Carter 

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Price is insignificant to a big spender who spares no expense when he takes his wife out for her birthday. I know because there was one sitting next to us.     Don Carter 

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I was in the mood for something full-bodied, sweet and voluptuous but since the odds of getting that were slim I settled for a glass of port.     Don Carter 

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I’ve come across several articles about the uncomfortable task of rejecting a flawed bottle of wine when it arrives at your table. I thought I’d join the conversation since I’ve been married for over 30 years and that qualifies me as an expert in rejection.     Don Carter 

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Noble rot is a fungus that affects grapes and is not a reference to atrocious aristocrats like King Henry VIII. Hank may have been a fun guy when he wasn’t beheading his wives but he’s not the same fungi responsible for the sweet wines of Anjou-Saumur.    Don Carter 

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Today Rosé d’Anjou has fallen out of fashion as young American consumers have decided it’s much classier to regurgitate Provence rosé.     Don Carter 

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I was really upset and felt more deflated than Tom Brady’s football.     Don Carter 

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I chose Beaujolais for my Super Bowl party because it tends to be light and fruity, kind of like Odell Beckham Jr.     Don Carter 

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While preparing the menu this year we decided to forego the healthy vegetable crudité with yogurt dip, kale salad and fresh fruit. That makes 35 years in a row.   Don Carter 

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I prefer watching the game alone because I don’t like to answer a lot of complex questions like, “What’s a play action pass?” or “Who farted?”    Don Carter 

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I always make the kids leave the room when the game begins. This starts with some simple cajoling but usually ends with a tantrum and a lot of tears. Sometimes the kids get upset too.    Don Carter 

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I didn’t expect the Giants to make it to the Super Bowl and they didn’t let me down. I was so disheartened I actually stopped eating for a minute.     Don Carter 

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For centuries the wines of Muscadet were considered simple and unexciting (much like my sex life) but all that was needed to improve quality was some skin contact, wood, and yeast stirring, and the same for the wine.     Don Carter 

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I don’t really get along with cats. There’s just something about that self- absorbed, narcissistic, egocentric demeanor that my cats don’t like.     Don Carter 

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My cats often join me in the man cave when I drink classified Bordeaux, not that they’ve ever sprung for a bottle with their own money. Heck, most of them can’t even get a Discover card.    Don Carter 

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I do find myself drinking with sommeliers and it has made me appreciate what I like most about wine, namely, drinking it alone.    Don Carter 

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It’s been nearly three years since I first put pun to paper for this blog and most nights I still find myself thoughtfully staring into the monitor, a glass of wine in hand, thinking, “I wonder what’s on HBO tonight?”    Don Carter 

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When you’re the middle child you get used to hand-me-down gifts. I remember some years were so lean that all my mom gave me was second hand smoke.    Don Carter 

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Come Christmas Day my siblings will share stories from their youth and bacterium from their cold sores.    Don Carter 

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Since 10 year-old tawny port has spent an average of ten years in cask, bottle aging isn’t necessary. That works well for cousin Eddie who considers wine fully mature and ready to drink when he gets home from the liquor store.    Don Carter 

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It’s an impressive effort that’s big, soft and alluring … like Queen Latifah on Ecstasy.   Don Carter 

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Late Bottled Vintage Port is sediment free, affordable, and when released it’s ready to be drunk, which is a good thing because so are my guests.   Don Carter 

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My very first taste of port was the Graham’s 1963 Vintage Port and to this day Graham’s holds a soft spot in my heart and a dark spot on my liver.   Don Carter 

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Reserve Port will keep for a couple of months, doesn’t require years of cellaring, has no need for decanting, and like my cousin Eddie, it’s cheap.   Don Carter 

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Yolanda used to drive Eddie to drink, but that stopped when he got his driver’s license back.   Don Carter 

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To get through Christmas I have to muster up every ounce of courage and several ounces of bourbon.   Don Carter 

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The holidays are all about sharing. I get together with my family on Christmas and share fine wines, great food, and several strains of influenza.   Don Carter 

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99% of Beaujolais vineyards are planted with the black grape Gamay. The 1% is comprised of – what else, billionaires. No wait that’s not it! The other 1% is made up of Chardonnay and Aligoté, which also happen to be white.   Don Carter 

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Beaujolais Nouveau has lost much of its appeal but it’s still a fall tradition, an autumnal ritual that ranks right up there with getting a flu shot.   Don Carter 

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It was smooth sailing for the Loire wine trade until late in the 19th century when the phylloxera epidemic decimated its vineyards and took the wind out of its sales.   Don Carter 

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Over the past century Loire Valley wines have suffered the slings and arrows of indifferent consumers, resulting in low prices for those without outrageous fortune.    Don Carter 

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The Loire River as it stretches westward for over 600 miles from its source in the Massif Central to its mouth at the Atlantic Ocean. This lengthy waterway may pale in comparison to the mighty Amazon River but on the bright side the French don’t have to fend off man-eating piranhas.   Don Carter 

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CORRECTION; Due to a computer malfunction, the June 14th post Wine Industry Battles ‘Silent But Deadly’ Gas Emissionswas not very funny. We hope to have the error corrected soon.   Don Carter 

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Suspecting the facts would fall somewhere in the middle, WineSnark canvassed some politicians to find out the truth. Ha ha ha ha!   Don Carter 

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Hillary made this comment to a trusted waitress, or what she calls a “secure server”.   Don Carter 

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When first opened the Cabernet was harder than a Viagra focus group but it softened up after 4 hours.   Don Carter 

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The good news is the unpleasant finish is shorter than Chris Christie’s run for president.   Don Carter 

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It was a very tasty wine that smelled like a skunk, but you know, in a good way.   Don Carter 

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The wine was in a dumb phase. It had stopped making scents.   Don Carter 

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In 2006 NASA launched the first space mission to the planet Pluto. The spacecraft would eventually travel three billion miles and take nine years to get a close look at our most distant planet. However, just seven months after launch the International Astronomical Union stripped Pluto of its ‘planet’ status, prompting a senior NASA spokesman to comment, “Doh!”   Don Carter 

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The ’06 Estate Cabernet is one of those teeth-staining reds that keep dental hygienists in Louis Vuitton shoes.   Don Carter 

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It features a texture that’s voluptuous, luscious and rich, which sounds like a pretty good bottle of wine but is actually everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman.   Don Carter 

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Tannins pair well with certain foods but a quick glance at any wine magazine reveals they pair even better with adjectives. The WineSnark team tasted some ten-year-old Napa Valley Cabernet Sauvignon – and utilizing scientific sensory evaluation techniques – determined how well these adjectives are maturing.   Don Carter 

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If 2006 could talk it would probably look at ‘05 and ‘07, stomp its feet and cry, “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!”   Don Carter 

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The judges rated the wines in order of preference, first through last place. It’s a lot like golf because the low score wins and you get hammered while playing.   Don Carter 

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Our top three wines almost ended in a three-way tie. But hey, WineSnark isn’t some namby-pamby youth sports program where nobody wins; we believe somebody always rises to the top in a three-way.   Don Carter 

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The Napoleonic code put an end to primogeniture – the practice of leaving ones entire estate to the eldest child – not the Italian porn star Primo Geniture.   Don Carter 

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On its own Sémillon can be a little flabby around the middle which gives us something in common.   Don Carter 

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In many circles Burgundy is synonymous with world-class Chardonnay and Pinot Noir, and in other circles people are a pain in the ass.   Don Carter 

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Carbonic Maceration results in a fruity, low-tannin wine that has a lot in common with me. It’s made ready to drink and doesn’t get any better with age.   Don Carter 

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The Aligote smelled like a combination of parmesan cheese and baby puke and it tasted like unripe lemon pits. And then there was the negative side.   Don Carter 

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These wines have shown marked improvements in recent decades and I no longer avoid them like Melania Trump avoids a plagiarism-checker.  Don Carter 

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A mnemonic device helps you remember things. For example, spring forward, fall back is a mnemonic device that helps you remember what to do at the beginning and end of a wine tasting.   Don Carter 

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A ‘single blind’ tasting means after the event I had to close one eye to see straight.   Don Carter 

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It features the eye-watering aroma of the Jersey Turnpike as it passes through Elizabeth, but at least the flavor sucks.   Don Carter 

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The wine label said “Sulfur Free” but I don’t want it even at that price.   Don Carter 

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The Pinot Noir featured a brilliant red robe reminiscent of the Sherwin Williams Gypsy Red SW 6865 paint chip.   Don Carter 

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Its lack of weight didn’t seem to matter to the tasters. In fact the physics teacher at the table went so far as to say it anti-matters.   Don Carter 

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I’m not sure why or when I lost interest in Willamette Valley Pinot Noir, I only know that like O.J. Simpson it lost its appeal.   Don Carter 

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Methane gas emissions come from anaerobic fermentation of endogenous and exogenous carbohydrates by enteric microflora; or what I like to call – animal farts.   Don Carter 

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The worst Methane gas contributors are cows, buffalo, sheep, goats, camels, and my brother-in-law, who always blames the dog.   Don Carter 

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The petroleum, natural gas, and agriculture industries all contribute to methane gas production, and when it comes to noxious gas emissions the wine trade is trying to cut one.   Don Carter 

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Given the source of methane gas emissions, shouldn’t the ‘greenhouse effect’ be called the ‘outhouse effect’?   Don Carter 

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If they wanted to banish ‘The Most Interesting Man In The World’ to obscurity they could have sent him to the Lifetime network.   Don Carter 

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I once beat the Princeton debate team with my right brain tied behind my back.

I discovered Picasso wasn’t innovative; he just had glaucoma.

If I wasn’t already me, I’d want to be me.

I am … “The Most Intoxicated Man in the World”.       Don Carter 

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I’m not going to take this lying down. No sir, I’m angry so I’m writing this blog while sitting up.    Don Carter 

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Writing has always been a part of me. Since I was ten years old I’ve known exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up; an astronaut.       Don Carter 

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I thought about it long and hard then my wife decided I would become a wine blogger.   Don Carter 

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A wine blogger is a person who drinks and then swishes a lot, thinks a lot, and writes a lot. But mostly a wine blogger drinks a lot.   Don Carter 

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Wine bloggers understand that it’s the little things that matter which is why I put all my brainpower into writing.   Don Carter 

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Wine bloggers have a real thirst for life, providing life has an alcohol by volume level of at least 12%.   Don Carter 

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Wine bloggers usually deliver some kind of upbeat message. This isn’t easy for a pessimist like me. I believe that if the glass is half-full you’re just not drinking fast enough.  Don Carter 

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Wine bloggers are known to get lost in thought, probably because we seldom go there.   Don Carter 

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Wine bloggers are biological creatures just like other human beings who also mistakenly believe people give a damn about their opinion.   Don Carter 

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If you look inside your average wine blogger you’ll find a passion for food and travel, a stimulating intellect, and a blood alcohol level exceeding .08%.   Don Carter 

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The Wine Blog Awards are just like the Academy Awards – there aren’t any black finalists.  Don Carter 

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Look inside these women and you’ll find compassionate personalities, probing intellect, and intuitive reporting. Look inside me and you’ll find some undigested Buffalo wings.  Don Carter 

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I resent the stereotype that I’m some kind of Neanderthal. I am clearly a Cro Magnon.  Don Carter 

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These wines are named after popular songs and the 2013 My Generation had me windmilling my Riedel like Pete Townshend at Leeds. It delivers reverberating flavors that refuse to f-f-fade away. Can you dig what we all s-s-say?     Don Carter 

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My Uncle Ralph spikes his hair with Brylcreem and sleeps in a waterbed, a combination that has led to the occasional wet dream.     Don Carter 

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Residual sugar creates a soft texture and adds weight around the middle, but enough about American consumers.     Don Carter 

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Kukkula is Finnish for “high place” which is exactly where I found myself after tasting through these formidable reds.      Don Carter 

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He produces 1,000 to 2,000 cases of wine from a vineyard that, like my crazy, hippie brother-in-law, is organic but hasn’t been certified.     Don Carter 

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Kukkula’s blend is as big and soft as Scarlett Johansson’s lips. (Wait a second … I’ve just been informed that Johansson is a Dane. Hey, she may not be a Finn but she is a Great Dane.) What I’m talking about here is full-bodied, extremely rich and monumentally voluptuous, and so is the wine.       Don Carter 

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I use a GPS when I travel because I like having a woman’s voice telling me what to do so I won’t get homesick.     Don Carter 

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After checking into the fleabag hotel my wife said, “I told you to stay in the Hilton. They cater to a much higher class of criminal.”     Don Carter 

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Have you ever noticed that high consumer reviews from Expedia travelers always correlate with the amount of all-you-can-eat simulated bacon products served at the hotel?     Don Carter 

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The Denny’s Nutrition Menu unfolds like an old-fashioned road map to diabetes.     Don Carter 

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On Super Bowl Sunday we watch colossal men try to maim and kill one another. It’s my job to pick the perfect wine for the occasion.     Don Carter 

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My family always drinks wine during religious observations, whether it’s a baptism, Easter, or Super Bowl Sunday.    Don Carter 

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Can anyone explain the macho impulses that drive men to create life threatening competitions like the Super Bowl, cliff diving and beer pong?   Don Carter 

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I want my team to win so badly I can taste it, and frankly it could use more salt.   Don Carter 

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I help out by serving hors d’oeuvres with all the speed and grace of a ballerina who has had too many Jell-O shots.   Don Carter 

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Matching Super Bowl cuisine with wine can be challenging, but I’ve come up with the following suggestions based on my extensive research, my insightful expertise, and my resounding commitment to tube-shaped meats.  Don Carter 

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When matching the strong, spicy flavor of mustard you’ll find a dry Provence Rosé can be as complimentary as a horny teenager on a first date.   Don Carter 

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Piquant dishes elevate your perception of heat in wine which is why your selection needs to be as light and fruity as Perez Hilton.   Don Carter 

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The saddest thing about Super Bowl Sunday is that come Monday you know the Great Plains will be littered with millions of wingless buffalos.   Don Carter 

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Over the past five years the Broncos are second only to the Minnesota Vikings in player arrests which explains why they employ such a high-powered defense.  Don Carter 

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Peyton Manning has many detractors who claim he is too old and should hang up his cleats, but at least Nationwide is on his side.  Don Carter 

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The Broncos made it to the Super Bowl by beating up the Patriots in Denver’s Mile High Stadium (so named when Colorado legalized recreational marijuana use).   Don Carter 

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A diet rich in flavonoids can improve erectile function. This is great news for wine drinkers as the flavonoid anthocyanin is prevalent in red wine. Men who drink white wine may be out of luck but apparently they won’t have any hard feelings.  Don Carter 

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When asked to comment on the findings, Adjunct Professor Willie B. Hardigan, from a local community college of little or no significance was quoted as saying, “WOO-HOO!”  Don Carter 

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From these 25,096 men, some 35.6% reported occurrences of erectile dysfunction, which translates into approximately 8,935 flaccid members in the group. Don Carter 

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It’s comforting to know that when I experience erectile dysfunction I’ll no longer have to take matters into my own hands.” Don Carter 

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So the moral of the story about red wine improving erectile function is simple; if you’re drinking red wine, keep it up. Don Carter 

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When I started writing a couple of years ago an acquaintance told me, “simply be yourself”. He didn’t know me very well.  Don Carter 

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In the past year I’ve quoted the great literary masters 144 times, which some would consider a gross overcite.  Don Carter 

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When I sit down to write the first thing I do is assemble my puns and pencils.  Don Carter 

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Imagine fine literature without similes, or descriptive journalism without those well-turned phrases that always contain the words “like” or “as”. Let’s face it; an article without similes is like.  Don Carter 

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I’m totally open to criticism – as long as nobody tells me what’s wrong with my writing.  Don Carter 

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I unequivocally state that I am the sole judge of my work and I have not been unduly influenced by the author.  Don Carter 

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I’m probably not smart enough to critique writing but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night.  Don Carter 

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“Best Of” compilations are one of many time-honored literary traditions, like plagiarism and making shit up.  Don Carter 

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When it comes to “wine taint”, the unpleasant aroma is instantly recognizable to anyone who has ever had their nose anywhere near taint.  Don Carter 

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WineSnark.com has been named one of the “Top 100 Most Influential Wine Blogs of 2015”. This is in stark contrast to my present standing as “The Least Influential Person in My Own Home”.  Don Carter 

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Being named in the “Top 100 Most Influential Wine Blogs of 2015” is just like winning a Pulitzer Prize, just without any skill, insightfulness or talent.   Don Carter 

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The organization created this award because they have a passion for the world’s greatest wine, for the highest standards in literature, and for driving traffic to their own website.   Don Carter 

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I don’t have a clue what a ranking algorithm is or does. It’s all geek to me. Don Carter 

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On Thanksgiving I get together with my family, share some wine and enjoy a harvest feast. And of course there’s football, football and more football. It’s an afternoon filled with aggressive, smash-mouth offence and bold defensive maneuvers. Then we turn on the TV and watch the game.    Don Carter 

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Cooking a Thanksgiving meal for 20 people can be a lot of work and very stressful for everyone involved, by which I mean my wife.     Don Carter 

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Tonight I’m having the family over, or as they’re more commonly called, the wine locusts. The eighth plague was nothing compared to what happens when my people are thirsty.    Don Carter 

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I sat on the front porch and sampled the wine before the guests arrived. The first wine I tasted was so good that I drank the whole bottle. I wasn’t alone mind you, there were lots of people driving by.    Don Carter 

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I love my wife’s brother like a brother-in-law.    Don Carter 

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No casual attire at this table. No sir, even the greens are collard.   Don Carter 

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Every year my Uncle Ralph bugs me to let him carve the turkey. He just won’t let up and I eventually give him the bird.   Don Carter 

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Last year we ate so much butter that for several months the folks in Wisconsin had to go without milk in their coffee.   Don Carter 

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Pinot Noir goes with turkey like gravy goes with heart disease.   Don Carter 

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Matching food and wine by similar weight and flavor characteristics is a long-standing sommelier practice, just like belittling customers and overcharging.   Don Carter 

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My wife called my idea “half-assed”, which is just her way of saying “that’s brilliant”.   Don Carter 

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I know lots and lots of women who will only drink Chardonnay. I guess you could say Chardonnay has broad appeal.   Don Carter 

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Speaking of dry, my Aunt Tootie insists on bringing the turkey on Thanksgiving Day. What that woman does to a turkey is criminal. She must cook it in a conviction oven.   Don Carter 

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Combine the flowery traits of these wines with the rustic, earthy tastes of a Thanksgiving feast and watch the flavors come out like Caitlyn Jenner in a Versace gown.   Don Carter 

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Before the 1855 Bordeaux Classification many unofficial rankings were put forth by prominent tasters, authors and list makers such as Thomas Jefferson and Martha Stewart. A wine was considered classification worthy when Martha declared, “It’s a good thing.”    Don Carter 

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The Official Bordeaux Wine Classification of 1855 still has a profound impact on Bordelais wine. And by “Bordelais wine” I mean “our wallets”.    Don Carter 

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The sweet white wines of Sauternes and Barsac pair beautifully with crème brûlée and insulin.    Don Carter 

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Vin de Pays regulations are so lax that winemakers are even allowed to wear white after Labor Day.    Don Carter 

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Vin de Table is what you call a wine that doesn’t meet the quality standards of AOC, VdP or AWS (Arrogant Wine Snobs).    Don Carter 

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The central provision for VdT wines is that they be produced entirely from grapes grown somewhere in this solar system. Okay, that’s an exaggeration; actually VdT wines must be produced within the confines of the European Union, which includes swamplands, diesel truck stops and nuclear waste sites.    Don Carter 

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Much of the Vin de Table wine is light, simple and inferior in quality, just like my writing.     Don Carter 

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In 2009 the EU shortened QWPSR (Quality Wine Produced in a Specified Region) to Protected Designation of Origin (PDO) saving European regulators a small fortune in ink cartridges.   Don Carter 

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Other French appellations did not duplicate Chateauneuf du Pape’s ban on flying saucers, but several considered bans on other unruly pests like werewolves, Sasquatch, and Robert Parker.   Don Carter 

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In West Virginia it is illegal to give a minor liquor unless you are related by blood or marriage, or the more likely scenario – both.  Don Carter 

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New Jersey’s Alcohol Beverage Control agents carry automatic weapons because they never know when they may encounter a rude convenience store clerk, or worse, an arrogant wine salesperson.  Don Carter 

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New Jersey laws are so strict that under statute R.S. 39:4-50, people convicted of “Driving under the influence of alcohol, or refusing to take a Breathalyzer test” are forbidden from purchasing vanity license plates for ten years!    Don Carter 

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Without proper seasoning, oak barrels can impart unpleasant sawdust-like attributes that can be more resinous, woody, and herbaceous than my brother-in-law’s stash bag.  Don Carter 

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In Cognac, the evaporated spirit known as the angel’s share is estimated at over 20 million bottles a year, which probably explains why so many angels miss work on Monday.   Don Carter 

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Kiln drying oak should not be confused with toasting oak. One is the slow drying of oak in an oven; the other is raising a glass to oak in salute.    Don Carter 

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Toasted oak cask flavors are often described as smoky, charred, toasty, roasted or burnt, which coincidentally is how I describe my brother-in-law.    Don Carter 

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Oak barrel staves are heated over an open fire to get the flexibility to bend into shape. I, on the other hand, need a full hour on a stairmaster to bend into shape.    Don Carter 

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Winemakers learned that one type of oak may add spicy allspice nuances while another may add a smoky bacon flavor. I don’t know about you but I’d eat my left foot if it had a smoky bacon flavor.    Don Carter 

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Winemakers came to realize that massaging wine with oak is like adding a subtle layer of make-up to a beautiful woman. Unfortunately many winemakers still apply oak like Tammy Faye Bakker applied mascara.    Don Carter 

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French oak is a tight-grained wood while American oak possesses an open grain – but a narrow-mind.    Don Carter 

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The formation of grain dictates how an oak tree must be cut into staves, as the wrong cut will result in a barrel with more leaks than the Nixon administration.    Don Carter 

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French oak is likely to impart subtly nuanced qualities custard, crème brulee, buttered popcorn or butterscotch, which are collectively known as “Date night at the Carters”.   Don Carter 

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When you look at the big picture I think you might agree that adding a smoky bacon flavor to wine through contact with toasted oak barrels may turn out to be the single greatest discovery in the history of mankind. Of course the wheel was also a big deal. Without the wheel how would we drive to the liquor store to buy more bacon flavored wine?   Don Carter 

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I probably think being a great, great grandson is a big deal because I was never a great, great grandson; I was just an average great grandson.    Don Carter 

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The late Bruce Guimaraens suggested I relate this story and since I’ve been suffering from writer’s block it was only logical I heed the advice of a ghostwriter.    Don Carter 

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I invited some friends over for some organoleptic research. They quickly declined until I told them that meant we were going to eat and drink wine.    Don Carter 

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Old fashioned research is difficult but in the name of conscientious reporting my team created a salty feast and drank five bottles of wine because that’s the kind sacrifice we’re willing to make in the name of, umm … science, yeah that’s it, science.    Don Carter 

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The crostini was served with cured salmon, thinly sliced prosciutto, feta cheese, tapenade brimming with anchovies, capers and olives, and a side order of diuretics.    Don Carter 

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To cleanse our palate we debated using a 15 year-old Kentucky bourbon but decided that would be excessive, so we used the 10 year-old.    Don Carter 

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This wine was so earthy I threw out the 100-Point Scale and rated it on the Richter scale.    Don Carter 

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The chemistry between salt and umami is neutral; just not as neutral as the chemistry between Natalie Portman and Hayden Christensen in Star Wars.    Don Carter 

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Molten graphite and strong tea flavors dominated the palate and lingered on and on like the director’s cut of Lord of the Rings.    Don Carter 

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By this point in the tasting we were not surprised to find that, even at 17% alcohol, the wine had better balance than we did.    Don Carter 

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The excessive salt raised our perception of heat in the wine nearly as much as it raised our blood pressure. The alcohol didn’t feel or taste like 17%, it felt like 170 over 90.    Don Carter 

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Neutral pairings occur when similar flavors come together in a safe, reassuring place, sort of like Switzerland.    Don Carter 

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A bona fide book publisher finally offered to publish WineSnark but they would only print one copy. It’s a “self-help” book.    Don Carter 

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WineSnark has been nominated for “Best Writing on a Wine Blog”. Shortly after this announcement it was reported that somewhere in Illinois a retired English teacher rolled over in her grave.    Don Carter 

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Wineries donate the goods that draw passionate wine consumers to the auction; wine consumers just like me, except that they’re successful and have money.    Don Carter 

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At Bouchon we drank some late night Moscow Mules. It’s no wonder I felt like an ass in the morning.   Don Carter 

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It was an impressive showing as all the Napa trophy wives were in attendance. No, wait, that’s a typo! I meant trophy wines.   Don Carter 

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I realize name-dropping is a cheap way to draw attention to myself, which is exactly what I said to Tim Mondavi and Bill Harlan. Don Carter 

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There were so many attendees I had to fight them off with a shtick.   Don Carter 

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New auction records were set for a single Live Auction item, the E-Auction total, and Blood Alcohol level.    Don Carter 

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Acidity cuts through cheesy foods and nothing relieves that bloated feeling like cutting the cheese.   Don Carter 

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Auction Napa Valley raised $15.8 million for programs in children’s education and community health. The proceeds help more than 90,000 clients annually in Napa County, some of whom need the community health assistance after trying to lift all that money.  Don Carter 

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When the jalapeño sauce is flowing, the cool embrace of a fruity wine keeps your taste buds partying like its 1969. If you’re too young to know what that means, try an off-dry Gewurztraminer with some extra spicy Buffalo wings and then drop some antacid.    Don Carter 

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When tannin and alcohol acumulate on your palate, wine can become as hot and bitter as a recently divorced Kardashian.    Don Carter 

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You could end up with a fowl food and wine pairing if the hen is mightier than the poured. Don Carter 

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As a rule of thumb I generally thumb my nose at rules.  Don Carter 

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When food and wine pairings create synergy, you have found gastronomic nirvana, at least until the check arrives.    Don Carter 

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Wine and food must interact in a complementary way, you know like tea complements crumpets or candy complements diabetes.   Don Carter 

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I do not take my wine research sitting down, as getting back up is often difficult.  Don Carter 

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It was soon apparent that an undertaking of this magnitude required a research team of dedicated, compassionate wine professionals, or as they’re known in the trade, drunks.   Don Carter 

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I follow Joel Stein on Twitter because I like the way he tweets me.   Don Carter 

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I have 3,500 Facebook friends but I still can’t find anyone to take me to the airport.  Don Carter 

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Don’t take terroir for granite.   Don Carter 

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I worry that this blog might have too many accent marks, but then I realize I’m just being diacritical.    Don Carter 

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If these vineyards were moved just a mile away Gruet Winery might be making Blanc de Cactus, America’s first Sparkling Saguaro. (It’s succulent!)  Don Carter 

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The Jurassic era, as you’re probably aware, was a prehistoric time period named after a popular movie.  Don Carter 

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Noble rot is a mold needed to produce the highly prized dessert wine Tokaji Aszú and is not a foot fungus common to aristocrats.    Don Carter 

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I started paying attention to what I was drinking when I learned that girls liked wine and guys who didn’t put ice in it.  Don Carter 

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Wine styles continue to fluctuate with the transient tastes of the market, but the mountains, rivers, climate and earth that produce great vineyards remain indifferent to man’s vain manipulations.  Don Carter 

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Chablis and Chianti are not names of grape varieties; they are places on a map, and despite what certain American bulk wine producers would have you believe, it’s a map of Europe, not California.  Don Carter 

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The Volcanic Hill vineyard is composed of 8 million-year-old ash created by the eruption of Mt. Konocti way back when Betty White was still a virgin.  Don Carter 

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Rocky terrain has been known to impart stronger, stony mineral traits in some wines which is why they taste boulder.  Don Carter 

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Climate is the reason Bordeaux produces such outstanding wine. Weather is the reason they don’t do it often enough.  Don Carter 

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Wine reviews loaded with sexual innuendo have been known to confuse and excite some winemakers, leading them to premature inoculation.   Don Carter 

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The sweetness hits your palate like a ton of brix. Don Carter 

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The Syrah possessed the resonant force of an open fifth power chord in a heavy metal rock anthem, and after 20 years in the liquor trade it’s safe to say I know a thing or two about open fifths. Don Carter

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Describing wine is easy. All you need is a steady stream of euphemisms, similes, and dialysis treatments.  Don Carter 

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So if you’re a blogger or any sort of aspiring wine writer, similes are a tool just like you. No wait! I meant just for you.  Don Carter 

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This barrel sample is like Marilyn Manson’s garter belt; tight, leathery and has spent too much time near the bung hole. Don Carter 

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This wine is as smooth as a Miles Davis trumpet solo, but not from the early bebop years when it sounded like someone spilled a box of marbles into an open piano, or from the fusion period that was as hazy as a Matthew McConaughey car commercial but at least made some kind of sense.  Don Carter 

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The fruit in this Chardonnay is as hard to find as a hoosier caterer at a gay wedding. Don Carter 

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The tropical fruit flavors are as exotic as an Elton John headpiece and they too sit atop a round, flabby body.  Don Carter 

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We Americans have become so sensitive that I often well up with tears just watching a Hallmark commercial and something really emotional can send me to bed for a week, say something like picking up the check.  Don Carter 

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Writers have created much of the language of wine analysis which explains why it employs so many euphemisms, similes and metaphors. I find these colorful tools are essential for describing wine and impressing girls.  Don Carter 

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In addition to describing the fruit flavors found in wine, you’ll want to describe wine’s appearance, texture, weight, oak, and umm … what’s that other one? Oh yeah, arsenic. Don Carter 

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I could feed you lots of material about the development of umami-rich MSG but you would just be hungry for more in an hour.   Don Carter 

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Skow cooking can amplify umami characteristics in food by breaking down complete proteins into smaller, umami generating amino acids that our palates are quick to detect so we get an instant feeling of satisfaction. And frankly, at my age every minute counts.   Don Carter 

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“Was this wine imported from France?”

“Why of course it was. Why do you ask?”

“Because it tastes like it was deported from France.” Don Carter 

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I’m going to create a new wine targeting umami aficionados. I’ll make it from beef and call it T-Beaune Red or Cabernet SauvMignon!” Don Carter 

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Among the most apt descriptors for umami are savory, mouth-filling, brothy, meaty, satisfying, and rich, which is everything I’ve ever wanted in a spouse.   Don Carter 

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Not only did umami, the secretive fifth taste exist, it existed right under my nose – where my mouth is conveniently located. Don Carter 

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Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.” And by ‘life well lived’ she meant ‘alcohol’.    Don Carter 

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This wine is as unbalanced as a bipolar postal worker. Don Carter

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Black cherry fruit is followed by a finish of smoked meat flavors that hang around longer than a meatloaf at a vegan picnic. Don Carter 

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This wine is as dark, round and smooth as Vin Diesel’s head, but at least it has something going on beneath the surface. Don Carter 

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The crisp acidity and zesty minerality create a lively tension – kind of like the feeling you get when your wife catches you looking at other women in the mall.  Don Carter 

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The sweet saddle leather notes paired beautifully with the foot I had in my mouth.  Don Carter 

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The plump mouthfeel and earthy flavors cling to your palate like Saran Wrap in a room full of Pyrex.  Don Carter 

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Head pruning is an ancient, freestanding vineyard system as well as a rite performed by a mohel on the eighth day.    Don Carter 

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Last year I reviewed several wines from the Massanois trade tasting and I was able to attend again this year due to a glaring lapse in security. Don Carter 

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I sold my fine wine store last year but at least I got to keep the computer, the tax records, and the ulcer.   Don Carter 

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I once read the optimum temperature for drinking white wine is 50 to 55 degrees, so at this rate I won’t get a drink until late April.    Don Carter 

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I’m on the bourbon diet and I’ve already lost 300,000 brain cells.    Don Carter 

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It was 12 degrees this morning but at least the Weather Channel reports it’s going to cool down soon.     Don Carter 

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My friend visited from Arizona and when he complained about the cold I said, “Hey, this isn’t so bad. It’s a dry cold.”    Don Carter 

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At a recent tasting, one serious winemaker said to me, “This wine has hints of 2,4,6 trichloroanisole.”

I said, “You mean it’s corked?”

“Yes that’s it,” said the winemaker. “I can never remember that word.”                   Don Carter 

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I believe it was the ancient mathematician Archimedes who once said, “Describing wine is as easy as Pi.” Don Carter 

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Flavors in wine aren’t always obvious. That’s why so many wine descriptions use terms like hint, subtle, nuance or WTF. Don Carter 

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If describing wine was easy my readers would think, “Why do I need WineSnark to tell me what to think? That’s my wife’s job.” Don Carter 

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At a recent wine tasting I became disoriented, dizzy and incoherent so I did the only sensible thing. I got in my car and drove straight home.    Don Carter 

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A low acid, creamy-textured white may make a pleasing first impression, but without sufficient acidity it will soon seem as flat and cloying as Paris Hilton on Quaaludes.     Don Carter 

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Acidity is crucial to maintaining balance. It makes your mouth salivate which consequently makes you thirst for another sip, which in turn, can make it hard to maintain your balance. Don Carter 

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Let’s face it. When it comes to wine you’d probably like to be more like me – except that you’d want to bathe more often and maybe you could do without my habit of working the word sphincter into every conversation. Don Carter 

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European wines also contain sulfites. The Sancerre or Chianti you enjoyed in Europe is the same wine you enjoyed when you returned to New Jersey. That rotten egg smell is just the breeze from Camden.    Don Carter 

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There are many suspects that may cause wine headaches – histamines, tannins, prostaglandins, tyramine and let’s not forget the obnoxious date you’re out with.    Don Carter 

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Aggressive swirling can help relieve the sulfurous gas odors, which may explain why I often find my wife aggressively shaking me in my sleep. Don Carter 

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Sulfites are prevalent in and around vineyards and wineries, just like fruit flies, dot-com millionaires and other obnoxious pests. Don Carter 

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Sulfur has been added to wine since ancient times, but archeologists have yet to unearth any ancient amphora bearing Latin sulfur warnings. They have however, found several adorned with cute animal labels. Don Carter 

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Is the use of genetically modified yeast in beer production a brewing controversy?   Don Carter

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Scientists refer to the subtle flavor nuances imparted by different yeast strains as yeast inflections.   Don Carter

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Uncultivated yeasts are like the wine bloggers of the fungi world but not quite as moldy.   Don Carter

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Yeast organisms have figured out how to convert sugar into alcohol, which is a far greater achievement than anything my college buddies have done with their lives.   Don Carter

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Is the use of genetically modified yeast in wine production a fermenting controversy?   Don Carter

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The 05 Pahlmeyer made me feel warm and fuzzy inside, like when Matthew and Lady Mary finally got together, but at least the Pahlmeyer doesn’t end in a fiery death. It does however end with a touch of chocolate and silky nuances of bergamot.   Don Carter

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Here finally, is the moment I’ve all been waiting for.   Don Carter

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What really impressed me about the ‘96 Pahlmeyer was the lengthy finish that hangs on longer than the Earl of Grantham clings to a collapsing caste system.   Don Carter

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I like Downton Abbey as much as football because Lady Mary’s boudoir has seen more Bump and Run than the Cowboy’s secondary.  Don Carter

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A vertical wine tasting is one where you taste wines from several different vintages but all from one winery. A horizontal wine tasting means you didn’t spit out wine at the vertical tasting and finished the night on the floor.   Don Carter

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We began the evening with a challenging vertical tasting but finished the evening feeling vertically challenged.   Don Carter

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I offer my services for free, but only to those who can afford it.   Don Carter

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For New Year’s Eve I decided to spend the night in quiet meditation while channeling my inner tranquility, by which I mean I got more fried than a Paula Deen chicken.   Don Carter

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If you ask most wine consumers what their biggest complaint is they’ll probably answer, “These pants make my butt look fat.”   Don Carter

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The buttery trait has been a hallmark of California Chardonnay dating all the way back to ancient Mesopotamia.   Don Carter

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After undergoing malolactic-fermentation wines feel smoother and richer (like Ivana Trump felt after divorcing The Donald).    Don Carter

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Malolactic-fermentation is a lot easier to say than it is to pronounce.   Don Carter

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To give you an idea of the complex flavor capabilities of grapes, over 200 different esters can be produced through fermentation, which coincidentally, is half as many Esters as can be found in the Minneapolis phone book.   Don Carter

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What makes Cabernet Sauvignon smell like black currants? The answer is only skin-deep – much like Jessica Simpson’s appeal or an outbreak of shingles.   Don Carter

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This year my dream wish was for GOOD HEALTH and I’m sticking to it even if it kills me.   Don Carter

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I’m a man of deep contemplation, concerned with the human condition and the fulfillment of mankind’s potential – at least during commercials – so when considering my dream wish this year the usual ideas like world peace, a cure for cancer, or being a contestant on So You Think You Can Dance somehow seemed insignificant compared to 90 points.  Don Carter

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My wife understands my aversion to needles and in a soothing voice she said, “You’ll be fine. This is the same surgeon who performed the last operation on Joan Rivers.”   Don Carter

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My wife told me to “man up and walk it off” but I opted for surgery instead. When the nurse asked me my blood type I said, “I think it’s “O” but I’m not positive.”   Don Carter

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I wasn’t seriously hurt when the car ran into me, except for the obvious confusion several lawyers later told me I experienced about not being hurt.   Don Carter

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I waited for the traffic light to change, looked both ways, and walked into the crosswalk. I saw a car in the corner of my eye and I was wondering why it was getting bigger. Then it hit me.   Don Carter

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I’m not suggesting that I’m accident prone, but when flying to California, my wife insists on separate planes.   Don Carter

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White Zinfandel is a light, sweet wine that I find is best enjoyed on a summer afternoon by someone other than me.    Don Carter

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Cellar workers must be cautious not to succumb to the carbon dioxide gas and fall unconscious into a vat of fermenting wine as this could pose a problem for vegan wine consumers.    Don Carter

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Skin contact is referred to as maceration (so named because pubescent winemakers often experiment with skin contact).    Don Carter

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WineSnark targets people who want to learn about wine. It’s perfect for you if you’re a guy who thinks Grenache is chocolate pastry filling, Lambrusco is mutton beer, and Charbono is Sonny Bono’s ex-wife.    Don Carter

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If, even in the most insignificant way, WineSnark helps you understand the complex world of wine appreciation then I for one will be able to go to bed at night feeling completely surprised.    Don Carter

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I will examine the scientific foundation for the unique flavors found in wine, but I promise to keep it simple and won’t even use a periodic table, unless I need someplace to set my wine glass.    Don Carter

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Syrah and Shiraz are the same grape variety but our spell buds perceive them differently.    Don Carter

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The judges rated the wines in order of their preference. With this type of rating the wine with the lowest score wins. It’s just like golf but without all the swearing.    Don Carter

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Years ago I wrote that New Jersey wine, “tastes like a dirty sweat sock full of Brussel sprouts.” When the winery demanded a second opinion I replied, “Okay, it smells bad too.”  Don Carter

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New Jersey winemakers sometimes feel like the rest of the world hates their wines. That’s ridiculous, the rest of the world hasn’t tasted them yet.   Don Carter

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Research has shown people won’t read blogs longer than 1,000 words and even less if I use big words like micro-oxygenation, but boy if they would I could expand my writing beyond just a few bad puns. I could fill pages and pages with bad puns.   Don Carter

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Fermentation occurs when yeast organisms consume sugar, transforming it into alcohol. Everybody knows that, just like everybody knows that 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance.  Don Carter

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Traces of wine have been found in ancient pottery jars in the Middle East dating as far back as 8,000 BC. That means wine production has been around since Betty White was in diapers … the first time.   Don Carter

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Wine production has been around since 8,000 BC, which explains why this era was known as The Stoned Age.   Don Carter

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Traces of wine have been found in ancient pottery jars in the Middle East dating as far back as 8,000 BC, which illustrates that much like today, early man also hid alcohol in his wife’s pottery jars.  Don Carter

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I don’t understand why Syrah hasn’t caught on with American consumers. I suppose it will remain one of the great mysteries, like what’s the meaning of life, or why doesn’t Ken Burns get a better haircut?   Don Carter

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This big red started out tighter than an eskimo’s sphincter.   Don Carter

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This Syrah smells like a fresh baked blueberry muffin. I don’t know if you should drink it or have it for breakfast – so I recommend both.   Don Carter

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This Syrah can be summed up in one word; elegant and powerful.   Don Carter

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This Syrah is as big and round as J.Lo’s booty, but it’s a lot easier to get your hands on.  Don Carter

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This wine is a great accomplishment, but for the same price you could buy sixty-two and a half bottles of Two Buck Chuck.   Don Carter

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I understand that WineSnark is not the Wine Advocate. For one thing we have far better poopy jokes.  Don Carter

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Many Syrahs from the Rhone Valley have pronounced herbal characteristics. On the other hand, this Ballard Canyon Syrah that I’m about to finish has so much spice but so little thyme.  Don Carter

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I’m not saying Syrah is unpopular. It’s just that I went on a crusade to coax, cajole, and convince customer after customer to buy it and by the end of the year I managed to sell both of them a bottle.  Don Carter

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Viognier seemed to burst onto the wine scene like a supernova, but it petered out like a Chevy Nova.  Don Carter

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At wine seminars you listen to speaker after speaker before finally arriving at the moment you’ve been waiting for – the bathroom break.  Don Carter

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When attending wine tasting seminars, if you conduct yourself with professionalism, propriety, and dignity, chances are you’ll still end up face down under a table.  Don Carter

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My doctor told me to cut back on high alcohol wines so I quit cold turkey. I’m proud to say I have now gone 264 days without a doctor.  Don Carter

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“Legs” in your wine glass are created from alcohol which has more to do with a quality high than it does with high quality.  Don Carter

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Before doctors told us to knock it off, people used to drink whole milk. If you’re too young to remember drinking whole milk, I hate you.  Don Carter

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Full-bodied wine. You love it. Your spouse hates it. Your goldfish doesn’t care one way or the other.  Don Carter

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Ever since joining Twitter I have the spooky sensation that I’m being followed.  Don Carter

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Aerating wine in your mouth makes the once subdued flavors explode across your palate like an RV full of rednecks set loose at an all-you-can-eat bacon buffet.  Don Carter

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It’s a disconcerting feeling when wine aromas lead you to believe you’ll taste one thing but then you taste something completely different. It’s like the befuddled sensation you get when you travel to the southern hemisphere and the water goes down the toilet counterclockwise instead of clockwise.  Don Carter

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You may find this hard to believe but I try to be completely honest in my writing. I also try to be 175 pounds and that’s not working out so well either.   Don Carter

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When devious suppliers can’t move their crappy wine, they unload the surplus inventory on an unsuspecting public using cute names like ‘To Up-Chuck’.  Don Carter

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When I caught my mother pouring Sweet and Low into a glass of 1982 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild I’m pretty sure that somewhere in France Baron Philippe de Rothschild turned over in his grave.  Don Carter

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As Chardonnay warms in your glass it becomes richer, creamier and fuller-bodied. It seems to put on weight faster than a newly married Kardashian.  Don Carter

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Serving red wine too cold or too hot can make a perfectly sound wine seem devoid of taste or excessively bitter and alcoholic, just like Nick Nolte.  Don Carter

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Studies have shown that people who drink wine too cold become bored and their lives soon lose meaning, usually resulting in heroin abuse or worse, a subscription to People Magazine.  Don Carter

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I’m not one of those extremists who bring a wine thermometer to a restaurant and obsess over a few degrees. I’d much rather obsess over something important like who’s picking up the check.  Don Carter

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This Cognac is as extremely smooth. I mean it’s smooth like a horny Frenchman set loose in a Pilates’ classroom.  Don Carter

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Sampling several brandies without the benefit of a spittoon can make it hard for the amateur drinker to remain sober in these situations. I, on the other hand, am a trained professional. I am not affected when I brink drandy.  Don Carter

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I’ve shared many bottles with leading authorities in the wine and spirits trade, because when I drink, I like to drink with authority.  Don Carter

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I probably stuck my nose in 10,000 wine glasses, which wasn’t nearly as much as I stuck it in other people’s business.  Don Carter

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My home state of New Jersey is the seventh largest producer of American wines, which is almost as impressive as our unemployment figures.  Don Carter

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Sometimes I just stay indoors because living in New Jersey gives me an interiority complex.  Don Carter

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AVAs are wine growing regions demarcated by the federal Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau. The program imitates the French AOC or Italian DOC systems, except that the graft is paid in dollars, not euros.  Don Carter

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New Jersey is called the Garden State and not just because it produces chemical room deodorizers in pleasing scents of lilac, lavender and apple blossom.  Don Carter

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I recently picked up a brochure about all the great things happening in New Jersey. It was a very thin brochure.  Don Carter

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I once inhaled a repugnant odor in an off bottle of wine. It so negatively impacted my sense of good taste that before I came to my senses I took my wife to Popeye’s Chicken and Biscuits on our wedding anniversary.   Don Carter

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I always bring Chardonnay to dinner at moms because it pairs so well with condescension and guilt.   Don Carter

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As I matured so did my tastes, and when I learned that girls like wine and guys who didn’t drink it straight out of the bottle, I went out on a limb and bought a couple of wine glasses and some wine made entirely from grapes.   Don Carter

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Sitting in the passenger seat while my wife drives makes me anxious. It’s a lot like being in a Hollywood movie that I call, Slow and Furious.   Don Carter

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Some people have smartphones. I have a smart-ass phone.   Don Carter

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The stigma of owning a Blackberry is hard to bear but there’s comfort in knowing there are others like me who conceal the tiny shame in their pants.    Don Carter

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Owning a Blackberry is like being in a secret cult. We exchange knowing glances at one another when we leave a restaurant to take a call (and you thought we we’re just being polite).   Don Carter

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I’ve heard many tales of bronze-hued bottles of Chateau d’Yquem being poured down the drain because someone assumed they were too old. Chateau d’Yquem has the potential to age for decades, providing some nitwit doesn’t turn it into expensive French Draineau.  Don Carter

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Red wines grow lighter as they mature, white wines grow darker with time, and with each passing day I grow shorter and fatter.  Don Carter

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Visual indicators may indicate that a wine is flawed. For example, bad wine is often cloudy, off-color, or has a cute animal on the label.  Don Carter

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When I went to school to become a certified sommelier I struggled with “Condescending Comments 101” and “How to Demean, Disparage and Patronize 102”.  Don Carter

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Don’t get the wrong idea; I’m not some weird anthrophobiac shut-in or even worse, a wine geek.   Don Carter 

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My wife said to me, “Don’t you know that as we mature our tastes become more sophisticated? That means it’s time we start drinking French wine and you start throwing away your Nehru jackets.”   Don Carter

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You don’t serve your friends the good wine because these wine locusts are obviously three rungs beneath you on the evolutionary ladder and the only thing they have in common with you is opposable thumbs – which they’ll use to drink all your expensive wine.    Don Carter

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To inspect wine hold your glass over a white surface and look down at it (the way my friends looked at me after sending my kid to community college).     Don Carter

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I’m going to cancel my subscription to the Wine Spectator, right after the February swimsuit issue.     Don Carter

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The ‘Tasting Techniques’ chapter is a pillar of wine journalism, an institution steeped in class and tradition, much like NASCAR and hOOters.   Don Carter

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Alcohol makes me forget things, but I don’t think I could drink enough to forget that the wine I’m about to put in my mouth smelled like horse shit a minute ago. Don Carter

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Robert Parker possesses the most extensive olfactory memory banks in the wine trade. What I’m trying to say is he has memories like Salma Hayek has mammaries. Don Carter

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With each passing glass of wine you will notice wine analysis comes easier, but beware, with each passing glass you may also believe you’re a really good dancer, you should tell your boss what you really think of him, and it’s a good idea to call your ex-girlfriend in the middle of the night. Don Carter

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Analyzing and describing wine starts by paying attention. That means paying attention even when you are not analyzing and describing wine. Don Carter

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Wine appreciation is more akin to art or music appreciation. You don’t have to be a Julliard alumnus to be moved by the classic masters, Mozart, Coltrane and Snoop Doggy Dogg and you don’t have to be a certified sommelier to appreciate Grand Cru Burgundy, you just have to be rich. Don Carter

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There are some pepper proponents who believe piquant’s rightful place is as a sixth taste alongside sweet, sour, salt, bitter, and umami, but those are probably the same people who think Jennifer Aniston and Vince Vaughn can act.   Don Carter

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Olfaction is triggered when fragrances are released in your mouth through a combination of chewing, body heat and saliva enzymes, which sounds a lot like my honeymoon.  Don Carter

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Unripe tannin in wine is like a Larry King marriage; they shouldn’t be together in the first place and it always leads to a bitter finish.  Don Carter

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Bitterness in wine is not generally desirable but a little bitterness can leave a pleasing impression especially among those who are used to it, for example disgruntled postal workers and married people.  Don Carter

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To learn about umami I undertook a grueling exploration that increased the scope of my taste nearly as much as it increased the scope of my waist. Believe me, it’s not the first time I’ve had to buy a few belts for this blog.  Don Carter

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Umami is best described as meaty, satisfying and rich, which sounds a lot like the perfect date.  Don Carter

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I know a lot of guys get a little queasy talking about feelings so I promise to get through this quickly, even if it takes all night.  Don Carter

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Port wine is fortified during the fermentation process. That means it’s built like my Polish mother-in-law, strong and sweet.  Don Carter

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Rootstock may have saved the great vineyards of Europe, but it’s more commonly known as a three day festival of love and music.  Don Carter

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Thirty years after it all began, I think it’s safe to say that wine is in my blood. In fact, just last night this was confirmed by a California state trooper.   Don Carter

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Sommelier is a French term that means “drunken know-it-all.” Come to think of it, all of my friends must be sommeliers.   Don Carter

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I’ve earned a decent living in the wine trade but I could never be accused of being under the affluence of alcohol.    Don Carter

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Premier Cru is a French wine classification term and does not refer to the best employees on a cruise ship.   Don Carter

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My teacher and I engaged in many battles of wit, but to level the playing field I fought with my right brain tied behind my back.   Don Carter

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I don’t know how they know these things, but when my brother was born the doctor told my mother he would grow up to be very tall. When I was born he told my mom I would grow up to be a wise-ass.   Don Carter

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Orleans Hill winery in California produces an organic “vegan-friendly” Syrah that I find pairs particularly well with hanger steak.    Don Carter

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Some wineries feel filtering can strip wine of its character. I don’t know if this is true because my wife says I don’t have any filters and no one has ever accused me of having character. Don Carter

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This medium-bodied Zinfandel conceals its 15.9% alcohol better than a drunk on a job interview.  Don Carter

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While many reviewers are singling out 2011 Napa Cabernets for debasement, I’ve discovered many good, ready to drink wines; but they’re not meant for de basement.   Don Carter

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When the fermentation gets stuck the winemaker starts pounding down Rolaids faster than Kathy Lee Gifford pounds down Chardonnay.   Don Carter

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Well maybe not that fast.

Don Carter

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When I read that particular areas of the tongue identify specific flavors I thought there was something wrong with my palate and I logically assumed I had done it irreparable harm from years of sticking my foot in my mouth.   Don Carter

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Just about every book I’ve read concerning wine talks about particular areas of the tongue that are earmarked to identify specific flavors. What I would like to know is, can a tongue really be earmarked?   Don Carter

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If you disagree with a wine critic, more power to you! Start a blog, start a movement or start your own wine magazine, but if you live near Marvin Shanken, have someone else start your car.      Don Carter

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When analyzing wine you need to distinguish between what physiologically happens between your cheeks and what psychologically happens between your ears. One is a bodily sensation while the other is a personal judgment or an opinion.   Don Carter

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New oak barrels have a greater influence on the final outcome, much like the voters in Ohio.   Don Carter

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Neutral oak barrels don’t come from Switzerland. They’re called neutral because they’ve been bought and sold so many times that they’ve lost their ability to affect change, much like congress.   Don Carter

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This affordable Chardonnay is as bold and showy as a Jersey girl’s tramp stamp and has probably seen just as much wood.   Don Carter

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The faintest touch of sweetness greets your palate but it’s not off-putting but surprisingly pleasing, like that sloppy wet kiss from your friend’s grandmother that you don’t really mind because she’s kind of hot.   Don Carter

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I’ve paired red wine with fish and I haven’t been struck down by lightning, but there was this one time when I was drinking Pinot Noir with tilapia and I got a nasty carpet shock.   Don Carter

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For eons the rule about “white wine with fish/red wine with meat” separated us from the animals, because let’s face it, monkeys will drink white wine with anything.   Don Carter

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Your memory banks are filled with thousands of neglected aroma-memories, languishing away year after year, all hoping to feel useful some day. It’s no wonder so many end up in aromatherapy.                  Don Carter

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Humans possess about 40 million smell buds while your average dog has about 68 billion smell buds. Yet oddly enough there are only a couple of dogs writing for The Wine Spectator.   Don Carter

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Olfactory receptor neuron sounds like some kind of hi-tech weapon used to deduce wines complex aromas, you know, one of those weapons of mass deduction.   Don Carter

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When you approach a glass of wine, don’t rush through it like Nick Nolte through a DWI checkpoint. The road to inebriation begins with the scenery so pause to enjoy the view.    Don Carter

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When you pour a lovely glass of wine it’s like going on a blind date and discovering its as beautiful as a super-model – but probably not as dense.    Don Carter

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The first thing I do when I sit down to create a new wine label is assemble my puns and pencils.               Don Carter

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When shopping for beer, try Utah’s Polygamy Porter if you’re in the mood for more than one, or Alimony Ale (the bitterest brew in America) when one is too many.     Don Carter

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Fourplay, Gnarly Head, and Bonking Frog may sound like a sordid weekend in Vegas but they are actually names of successful commercial wines. While shopping for wine you might want to pick up a Fat Bastard, a Sassy Bitch, or an Old Fart unless like me, you already have them at home.     Don Carter

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There are now over forty wineries operating in the blazing heat of Arizona. I find Arizona winemakers manage to keep their good humor despite the oppressive heat – but it’s a dry humor.     Don Carter

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The label on Australian wine “Drink ‘n’ Stick” features a sultry woman clad only in silk stockings, garters, panties and bra … It goes without saying the Drink ‘n’ Stick wines see lots of wood.     Don Carter

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Agricultural fairs award medals for everything from the best Cabernet Sauvignon to the biggest bull. A gold medal can result in a prestigious placement at Morton’s Steakhouse. This is a great achievement for a winemaker but not so great for the bull.     Don Carter

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We opened the wine and tasted it after a couple of hours of breathing – heavy breathing. Oh, and we also let the wine aerate.   Don Carter

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I took a case of wine samples on a weekend retreat to the country. I know I shouldn’t take my work home with me but I can’t help myself; I’m a workaholic.   Don Carter

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At the rate my old world Barolos are maturing my kids will end up drinking them, probably while they’re feeding me cat food through a straw.    Don Carter

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The time has come for the wine industry to hand out a trophy cup. After all, tennis players have the Davis Cup, soccer players have the World Cup and baseball players wear a cup. And like baseball players, wine tasters will actually put their cup to good use.           Don Carter

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Wine gives my life meaning; it’s the reason I climb out of bed every afternoon.   Don Carter
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Like the pencil marks inside the pantry door that mark my sons growth, tasting wine on any given day is nothing more than a snapshot of that wine at one moment in its evolution.   Don Carter
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Wine is an integral part of your religious celebrations like Christmas, Passover, and Super Bowl Sunday.   Don Carter
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Wine is there to comfort you in times of sorrow such as funerals, divorces or having to watch Mamma Mia one more time with your wife.   Don Carter
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We share wine in times of celebration, like anniversaries, birthdays, or sleeping through the night without waking up to pee.   Don Carter
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Wine helps you consummate your business deals as well as your wedding night (and in either case, someone is probably getting screwed).   Don Carter
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You don’t have to be a scientist to know that alcohol acts as a depressant on the brain’s higher functioning. Anyone can attest to that fact after watching just one evening of reality television.   Don Carter
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Alcohol can make you boisterous, sometimes even causing you to swear. I usually wake up in the morning and swear to never drink again.   Don Carter
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Alcohol triggers the reward system in your brain, so you feel good about your abnormally rowdy behavior, even if you wouldn’t typically perform a strip tease at your niece’s Bat Mitzvah.   Don Carter
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Alcohol is known to affect your memory, which may explain why I occasionally repeat myself. Alcohol is known to affect your memory, which may explain why I occasionally repeat myself.   Don Carter
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Alcohol stimulates the accumbens nucleus, which is the part of your brain responsible for pleasure, laughter, aggression and fear, or as I like to call it, a typical weekend with the in-laws.   Don Carter
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The discovery of fermentation ranks right up there with the wheel, the lever, and the WonderBra.   Don Carter
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Some say wine is like a religious experience because it can make you drowsy, much like sitting in church.   Don Carter
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After seeing the Bordeaux prices I thought, these wines shouldn’t be called “right bank” or “left bank”. They should be called “go to the bank”.   Don Carter
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Old-world winemaking evolves at the unhurried pace of an advancing glacier. What ends up in your glass is the terminal moraine of many winemaking generations.  Don Carter
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When I attend a wine tasting of classified Bordeaux I expectorate the very best.   Don Carter
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I woke up feeling like something had died in my mouth which is probably why they call it the mourning after. If you’ve been there before I’m sure you can feel my pun.   Don Carter
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Last vintage this wine displayed almond characteristics that aren’t apparent in the new release. Who knows, with time maybe this too will grow some nuts.          Don Carter
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Sur Lie means the wine spends time in contact with the lees, or dead yeast cells, which sounds a lot like a M. Night Shyamalan movie. Don Carter
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Take notice all you Burgundy hounds, this Cote de Beaune has that earthy, smoky nose that makes you want to bury it in the back yard with your other prized Beaunes. Don Carter
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I try to approach wine analysis from an intellectual perspective, but as I find less wine in the bottle, I find more adjectives on the page. This explains why I spend hours every morning deleting adjectives.  Don Carter
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What is it about wine that has stirred the human spirit for so many centuries? Critics don’t rate tea on a 100 point scale and Starbucks doesn’t age its coffee in a musty cellar for years, it only tastes that way.          Don Carter
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Wine journalism needs to drop the pretense and acknowledge the existence of alcohol in wine. Just once, I’d like to read a James Laube review that says, “This wine tasted pretty average, but I got hammered and did the robot dance ‘til dawn!”   Don Carter
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The wine list is so bad that when Mel Gibson ate in this restaurant he ordered water.   Don Carter
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WineSnark.com was created to improve the human condition through a thought provoking exploration of wine appreciation. That, and it will teach you how to deal with asshole waiters.   Don Carter
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The average wine drinker doesn’t age or decant wine. Their wine ages on the way home and breathes on the way down.   Don Carter
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Wine Terminology 101: Yeast Autolysis, The removal of unsightly facial hair from yeast organisms.   Don Carter
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I’d like to correct a common misconception created by wine reviews. No one added cat pee to your Sauvignon Blanc or horse manure to your Burgundy; they smell that way on purpose.    Really.

Don Carter

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Grapes are like the Dame Edna of the wine world, they are great fruit impersonators.   Don Carter
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I try to keep my writing as full-bodied and viscous as a Turley Zinfandel because then it pairs deliciously with the foot I already have in my mouth.   Don Carter  
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Like the great chateaux, I use crop thinning to eliminate excessive adjectives, a process more commonly known as crap thinning.   Don Carter  
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Becoming a wine blogger is like joining some weird cult. It starts with drinking wine but I suspect it ends with drinking the Kool-Aid.   Don Carter
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I write about wine for the money, even though writing about vin de pays very little.   Don Carter)
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We taste wine blind so we won’t be influenced by the name and reputation of the winery and because we feel more at home drinking out of a dirty paper bag.   Don Carter  
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Identifying the lone Bordeaux in a blind tasting had some tasters feeling tongue-tied, but I brazenly predicted I could pick it out with my tongue tied behind my back.   Don Carter