Urine Trouble

Here’s a true story that has nothing to do with wine but I offer it as a public service so that my readers might avoid the devastation that I have endured. The story is summed up in a series of emails and texts between myself and a company called JustPee Unlimited, LTD.

Bear in Backyard

Dear Sir,
While watching the Scat Channel I happened to catch your infomercial and I was excited to learn that cat pee is an effective mouse deterrent. My property is infested with the little vermin so I went to the local hardware store and asked this nice lady about purchasing some urine and she gave me a curious look and backed up a couple of steps. The more I went on about cat pee and coyote pee the more agitated she became. Eventually I was allowed to leave, once she decided to not press charges. I hope you can help solve my mouse dilemma as the police have made it clear I can no longer shop for urine in this jurisdiction. Cat pee sounds unsanitary so I was wondering if you sell any other products that repel mice.
Sincerely,
Don Carter

 

Dear Mr. Carter,
We regret to inform you that JustPee Unlimited, Ltd. only sells pee. We are the world’s premier discount pee merchant offering pee at prices that will keep you running back for more. Our pee technicians are out standing in the lavatory where they produce pee of exceptional pedigree.
Customer Service

 

Dear Sir,
No shit?
Sincerely,
Don Carter

 

Dear Mr. Carter,
No shit. Just pee. Read the letterhead.
Customer Service

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